they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

BZ Community Class - Tucker Solo

2007-11-23T00:06:00.001+08:00

two words: MOTHERFUCKING HOT.

2007-07-09T21:34:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry, i cant do this anymore.

2007-07-04T01:37:00.000+08:00

ohmygodonetreehillissuchagoodshowimatvjunkieshit

2007-07-02T02:08:00.000+08:00

why why did i have to go click on wetseal and tempt myself yet again?

fingers be damned!

met up with bryna today and she says ive become more subdued and mellowed. i guess so. there isnt anything to bring me down any longer, or maybe there's just too many things, that ive grown numb to it all. who knows, and who really cares. i dont, that's for sure.

i've been going through some crisis of sorts, ever since i got back from bangkok. i feel depressed more than ever, and i feel drained, tired and beaten up inside. it could be dance and how shitty it feels to be back in the row, fighting to be the best but ending up the worst, it could be the lack of companionship, of my lovely friends, or separated through distance, or plain laziness to meet and catch up, it could be the lack of anything to do around here except to bum around and fill my head with ugly thoughts. it could be anything, and it could be everything. i'm still wondering, what is. till then, i am sad jo. yet again.

i really wanna get outta here and find some place where the wind holds hope, not of despair, where i see new faces and promises of a new beginning, not of old to remind me of past mistakes and bad memories, where the places i walk, fields i lie in, are wide open spaces of good times, smiles and laughs, not of oppressiveness, tired soles, and worn out smiles.

so much's bringing me down, so where's the hurt that i should be wearing on like a patch?

i need love, true friends and passion. all of which isnt here right now.

21st birthday plans are up and coming:
1) bash at homeclub, theme should be pyjama party:) ppl in their underwear rocking it to indie music, now that's what i call a party
2) phuture/zouk? SO BORING
3) house party but where, dont know yet. theme should still be pyjama party. cant get over seeing ppl dressed in spongebob squarepants. hahaha

okay im sleepy, officially. so time for snooze.

music: ben harper- walk away
Oh, no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you, my friend

And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else

And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes
You just have to walk away
Walk away

So many people to love in my life
Why do I worry about one?
But'a you put the happi- in my -ness
You put the good times into my fun

And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes
You just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

We've tried the goodbyes
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray

They say if you love somebody
Then you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery

They say that time will make all this go away
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays

And once again, that rising sun is a droppin' on down
And once again, you, my friend, are nowhere to be found

And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes
You just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

You just walk away
Walk away
Walk away

Just walk on, walk on
Turn and head for the door
You just walk away

2007-06-29T00:28:00.000+08:00

im back home and hating it. that's all i have to say.
tired of dance, tired of the people, tired of all that's supposed to matter.

get me outta here. im done with this place. im done.

done.

From the Picture on the wall
To the bed posts that touch them all
This is where I live
This is where I do my screamin'--holly mcnarland, beautiful blue

2007-06-18T17:25:00.001+08:00

BYE EVERYONE, IM OFF TO KRABI AND BANGKOK:) much love love love

2007-06-17T23:29:00.001+08:00

it's been a mad few days, partying at zouk twice in a row. but that's life. live fast, and hope not to die too young. :)

what's wrong with people. yesterday at zouk, we bumped into a bunch of ppl dressed in costumes. like full-on pirates' get up y'noe. the whole cosplay shit. MY GOD. their bloody fins kept getting in my way. wtf ppl. seriously.

my body's so fucked. (and i do curse alot) it feels like it's been ran over by a car. but hey, it's all good. bryan and gang are a hilarious bunch, so im glad we met them. we went for their friend's house party, which was alright. i mean i usually need alot of alcohol to blow past the awkwardness, but unfortunately they only had sangria and beer (eewww), so we just talked. i only met them the night before(fri night that is) so there's only so much we can talk about. thank god for yossie poo. then we trotted off to yet another night at phuture. what's wrong with us, i dont know. we're always there..but sat was much better than fri, because there was alot of space to dance. WOOHOO. plus we had the guys for laughs:)

so anyway..im leaving for krabi and bangkok tmrw. exciting stuff...woott. really could do with this break from singapore.

sometimes, im really thankful that i have parents who will drive me to zouk and that i can tell them straight that im going to zouk and will only be back at 5am. yet, there are times when the wall between us seems overbearing, and i fear them. it's so weird..but for now, im okay. i guess.

ive been meaning to update vogue-this-bitch, but i just cant seem to get any good pictures of anyone. maybe singaporeans are just too boring to be considered 'stylish'. i saw a girl in a school girl uniform entering zouk. if she was a hot young thing, it'd be HOT. BUT, she wasnt. she was ugly, and scared me out of my wits. MY EYES AH MY EYES! mebbe ill just use the very blur picture of her and post it up..we'll see. hahahha.

music: damien rice- rootless tree
(yes mary, it's a fuck u song. totally right up my alley, HAHA)

2007-06-15T19:19:00.000+08:00

i just had to. say one nice thing to me today: cody:)

Don't touch her there, she's blindfolded.
She remembers on the bus.
Into my heart. Don't remember.
Like you left us without notice.
Now you've come back. Like you left us.
Like you owe us. Into my heart.
It's not me, it can't be.
It's not you. I can't do what I do if it's you. This is not happening.
Don't touch her there. She told me.
She remembers how it felt.
Into my heart. Don't remember.
Like you left us without notice.
It's not me, it can't be.
It's not you. I can't do what I do if it's you. This is not happening.
It's not me, it can't be.
It's not you. I can't do what I do if it's you. This is not happening.
Come home. Come home.
Child, child, child.
It's not me, it can't be.
It's not you. I can't do what I do if it's you. This is not happening.
It's not me, it can't be.
It's not you. I can't do what I do if we're through. This is not happening.
Don’t touch her there. He watched her.
She knew his look. From behind.
When she came home for christmas.

music: mew- she came home for christmas

2007-06-14T23:07:00.000+08:00

im tired of ol' singapore. it's time for a change. maybe in another 2 years.
San Diego? http://art.sdsu.edu/areas/arthistory.html
L.A? http://www.art.ucla.edu/index.html
San Francisco? http://www.cca.edu/about/
Austin, TX? http://www.finearts.utexas.edu/aah/art_history/graduate_program.cfm
Chicago? http://www.saic.edu/contact/index.html

as of now, san francisco, san diego and austin comes in the winning line although L.A. isnt so bad as well. :) we'll see. im working out the costs and hopefully everything will fall through. 2 more years. 2 more years. mary wait up for me, im coming:) i miss u already. so gay right.

today's exams were stupid. i finished in 45 mins, took a dump and walked out of the examination hall. i was tired like shit so i slept for hours before dance. today we danced to rihanna's umbrella! good thang baby. it was cool. my knees are fucked from dance though.

my head's filled with thoughts about leaving.

check this boy out: http://myspace.com/jaybrannan
im pretty sure he is gay, but really nice acoustics. love it:) indie's the way to go always baby. it makes me happy.

added some new gadgets here and there. have fun people.

2007-06-12T17:25:00.000+08:00

my best friend's going back to the us in a day and tonight will be the last night we'll get to hang out till the next time we meet. im really sad. im going to miss her alot. yeah, alot.

music: jimmy eat world- work

can we take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time.

(edit) 4.49am

no big bang, or of breaking into our dancing shoes and partying our asses away this time. just a night out, conversations over green tea frappuccinos, about life, horrible past relationships, hopes, aspirations, shared inner thoughts and dissing fugly people. all that, was enough for me to know that these girls will be with me for life.

and to my best friend,

take care babygirl. know that i'll be missing you to death. (or at least, quite a fair bit) i'm glad we stayed friends and kept each other sane for these years that have past. life would never have been the same without you. even survival would have seemed questionable if i hadn't known you. goodbyes are never easy because it's far too depressing to know that i wont be seeing you for a long time coming, but just remember, be safe and be good now. love. i'm always here for you.
can we take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time.

2007-06-05T02:26:00.001+08:00

y'all have to make a stop here:
http://vogue-this-bitch.blogspot.com

courtesy of mary and jo:) WE ROCK

2007-06-02T22:00:00.000+08:00

so whatever, fuck phuture. while i was all raving to party on wednesday (eve of vesak day), it turned out that i had to pay cover and it was full house. so i dragged james outta hall because i insisted that we're hip and happening, and we headed off to town with mulzie and caught shrek 3. it was alright. pretty generic but some funny moments as well. then we headed off to balcony to sit on the swinging seats and bitch about ex-bfs, dance and life in general. look james, we are so haps!:)

friday, dance was horrible. so i headed out to meet my girls after. we headed off to dxo cos it was free! and the music wasnt bad. phuture can go kiss my ass. hahahah. but sigh, im always back there every wednesday. i started a facebook group 'fuck u phuture, gimme some room to dance dammit!' I LOVE FACEBOOK:) hahaha. i bumped into david wu (gross) and well nothing's changed... ah well. some ppl can only go down.

life now, is momentarily, good. because i have so much love from my girlfriends and everytime we hang out, i feel so happy. life would never have been the same without them and it's rather sad that we dont meet up often enough cos we're all so busy. nonetheless, i dont know what i would do without them. i love love u guys.:)

other than that, life is pretty much the same. just dancing, yoga-ing, watching re runs of entourage, satc and friends, sleeping, bumming, reading (everyone in mj thinks i dont read, I DO TO OKAY), and hanging with my friends.

next up, krabi and bangkok with yossie baby. hurrah! :) till then, i can say that i dont need you anymore.
that's all i asked for really.

but. i found an emo diary entry from the past recently, and the thing about me is, while i seem okay on the outside, and sometimes i can trick myself into thinking that im fine truly, i never really am. cos those words that i so furiously scribbled, somehow still matter to me, still a part of who i am. and i just wonder if there will come a time when i can truly let go of my ghosts. mindfucking enough, time for sleep. im getting old now, cant even take a night of partying and usually need a day of recovery. damn you ciggies.

time for some good hip hop to take all ur troubles away

I'm the type of girl that'll look you dead in the eye (eye)
I'm real as it comes if you don't know why I'm fly-y-y-y-y
Seen ya try to switch it up, but girl you ain't that dope
I'm a wonder woman, let me go get my rope
I'm a supermodel and mami, sí mami
Amnesty international got Bangkok to Montauk on lock
Love my ass and my abs in the video for "Promiscuous"
My style is ridi-di-di-diculous-culous-culous

If you see us in the club, we'll be acting real nice
If you see us on the floor, you'll be watching all night
We ain't here to hurt nobody
So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me
Wanna see you work your body
So give it to me, give it to me, give it to me

i go wild everytime this song comes on, so give it to me give it to me give it to me:)

2007-05-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

once a bloop, always a bloop.
these girls make my life worthwhile. it's amazing what almost a decade of friendship can do. YES I COUNTED. fuck im old. but whatever. it's always the same whenever i see them. we bitch, we laugh till our insides hurt, we eat rubbish, we drink rubbish, and in the end go back feeling very tired, but very very happy. i love u bloopies:)

gripes/ramblings about the world as it is:
1) cute guys either of the options below-
(a) taken
(b) by ugly girlfriends, to say the very least
(c) jerkoffs
(d) arrogant fucktards
(e) speak chinese and minus 100 brownie points
(f) players
(g) have stupid friends
(h) personality disorders (ie. EXTREMELY lame, EXTREMELY stupid, etc)

[really i could go on and on]

2) the point about hypocrisy-
been thinking about friendships and hypocrisy. where do we draw the line?
i have friends who gripe about their other friends, annoyance with their actions and such. while i myself carry out these acts myself (ie. bitching about my so-called "friends" and then still BE their "friend" at the end of the day), i still think it's complete bullshit. i care alot about some people, but do they care about me? that i cant really be sure. where do real friendships come to be considered real per se? to me, if u dont like someone, u shld tell it as it is. and dont put on the false pretense of being chummy, when at the end of the day, ure talking shit about that person. or at the very least, act nonchalant about whole thing. in the first place, a friend would put in time and effort to keep up with others. and not to drop a sudden msg, HEY LET'S GO OUT AND MEET. when i havent heard from you in like months. and all ive tried then was to get u to go out. and it's really tiring to hear the same old shit, about being busy. everyone's busy. you make the time, make the commitment to make a friendship work. dont expect me to be your friend when after months of no contact, and even after relentless tries, u wanna "catch up". i dont think it's very fair.

3) clubbing and such-
phuture has been the bane of my uni clubbing days. and well last wednesday was no different. of course a drunk yos is always fun. i love a drunk yos, she's so much more fun than regular yos. we laughed like hyenas, made friends with not ONE but TWO cute army boys. unfortunately, they speak chinese, but then again seems like the whole world is chinese. wadssup with that i wonder? i mean english IS our first language after all. oh and for all with lesbian fetishes, u'd be delighted to know that me and yos "made out". hahahha.

4) dancetitude-
lots of problems, and unhappiness that i cant even begin to start on. i heard some rumours here and there and all i can say is fuck u elitists. u do know that there are others who exist dont u? that there are other ppl who love dance as much as you do or maybe even more. that there are other ppl who put in so much effort yet can never become better, no matter how much they've tried, while it seems easy for u. i care, i do give a shit, but so what. do others give a shit that i give a shit? obviously not. all they want is to recruit the dancers that they like and exercise favoritism. there are other people doing more items just because they are favoured. while ppl like me, ppl like me who are really passionate about dance, who would do anything just to have the chance to be up on stage, doing the one thing that i actually give a shit about, end up feeling like a complete piece of trash.

5) THE ugly past-
to be very honest, i wish not to be reminded about my past. SO LET IT GO ALREADY. i dont think there's a need for me to see someone who i really REALLY REALLY (i cannot emphasize the REALLY anymore than i already can), dont care about. it happens it happens. if it doesnt, all's good with me:)

sigh im so unhappy la. :(

music: 30 seconds to mars- the kill

2007-05-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

this song has been on repeat mode on my itunes.just because it's such a great song:)

i think the world's lost its mind, and everyone's retarded. dont know why i feel this way, but i do.oh stabbity stab stab.i wished i could put a finger onto what's making me tick, and feel insanely mad for no reason, but i cant. it's hard to find the words to say,i just am very drained i suppose.

rehearsals for dancetitude has officially started and marks the official start of me being totally boring and having no social life whatsoever. all i do is troop back to boon lay for dance and end up with aches, bruises, sores. it's like a race to see who has more. dance has been on-and-off. in mit's item, i am doing wacking and krumping. there's a battle scene!!!!!!ooh yippeeedeeedooodaaa:) and im now in amanda tan's item..all girls, all sex, oh baby. but i have a feeling im gonna have trouble with her style. cos it's reallly really very sexy. and i look like fuck doing those moves. ugh. i dont know about finale, but pat taught us lyrical to bobby v's anonymous! my favourite song of the moment as well and i must say im totally lovin lyrical. love love love. i wished i could do lyrical for dancetitude, but who's gonna give me a chance? no one. so whatever, fuck em.

on a slightly happier note, the mary tan is back! woot. claps. cheers. (she's probably rolling her eyes and saying 'how patronising') but whatever, im super happy! and excited. i swear there's no one who understands me like she does (awwwwwwwwwww, hahahha) do u feel like killing me now? haha.

the weekend has been spent bumming, starbucks-ing, shopping and bitching about life. i like it when things are real, that there isnt a front to keep up with. im at a point where i just cant be bothered anymore.

zouk this wednesday baby! i cant wait to go and show off my dance moves. suddenly got alot of new moves. much thanks to mit's rehearsals. all the krumping. woooootttt:)

i think im weird. one moment i hate dance, another i love it. how fucked up. but whatever, u wanna dance?

music: rihanna feat jay z- umbrella

From the first day I met ya
I notice your style
Had that B-Boy swagger not one of the crowd
And you talked like you knew me
Kept coming around and I fell for ya, yeah
Then as time kept going I noticed some things
Said our love kept growing
Wanted to run away cause the situation's in the past
Love never really last
Memories just had a hold of me - let it rain by jojo

damn bloody cheesy and my god it's by jojo, but i like the line "i notice your style; had that b boy swagger":)

2007-05-17T22:24:00.000+08:00

everything's in one big mess and i'm just too damn tired to sort it all out. in just one week i have broken down twice, cried and i dont cry much. i wished i could one day open up my eyes and everything will disappear, all the pain, the dull ache, the complications of every single relationship in my life. i just got another yelling from the father, because he said i didn't reply his messages. well, I DID. i just did it late. because i had dance. he said i dont care much about the family, about them, about how they feel. how can i care when no matter what ive done, it always is a mistake, there is always something wrong with whatever i am doing. and everytime they claim that they are concern, all i want to do is to scream at something, someone.because i have had enough of it. i am just so fucking sick and tired of this life that i lead. yet, it seems so self-indulgent of me to want to stop it all. i am just so tired from everything. so tired. why cant we just be one happy family. why is it that, in all of my efforts to make it better, it never seems to become better. but only seems like a failure. why, why, why. these tears they cant even begin to describe all the pain, anger i'm feeling inside. my heart is tried. and it is so tired. i really wished i could just do something, anything. but no one hears my screams. because it is silent on the outside, but deafening on my insides. everything is just one big fat fucking mess and i cant pick up the pieces any more. i tried too hard, too long and too much. i don't know what am i doing with you. with whatever i am hoping all these games would lead to.but i chose it this way didnt i? you played it well. i didnt. and once again, i fail to trump your workings with me. then there's dance,which is my love and my hate. dancetitude is taking the life out of me, and it makes me so unhappy. why try so hard when no one will see that u have put in effort. why, what's the point. all those hours in the studios, outside rehearsal times, my injured knees, shin and ankle pain, all those injuries i nursed, all down to nothing. because i am just another commodity that can be kicked aside, pushed around. EVERYTHING IS JUST A FUCKING MESS. EVERYTHING.

finally. it's spoken.

2007-05-11T15:17:00.000+08:00

after a long excruciating wait...........

it might be another ten years before we go to zouk together, but i hope u guys had fun:) i know i did, with u guys i mean. and baby i gotta say, damn we're HOT. hahahha.

yoga in the morning, now im sleepy. shall go catch a bit of sleep before i meet yossie baby for shopping, europe planning and a much needed update with my girl. yay!

my favourite posture in class is the dancer pose and the fish pose. :)

you try it. shiok man. stretch until u die. woot.

2007-05-07T23:22:00.000+08:00

im going to make myself sit in the lotus position every single fucking day and do the downward facing dog posture till i get it right. venky's my new inspiration and brenda:) yay for yoga. i am officially a yogaholic. been going for classes everyday the past few days, and it feels pretty god-damn amazing.

truth be told, i am not looking forward to dance. not at all. id rather do yoga everyday and be at ease with myelf, than to go for rehearsals only to feel like i am not wanted or needed. i just need a break. but duties beckon, and it's hard. cos a part of me feels so frustrated, yet i cant do anything about it. i hate to lead this double life. seems like that's all i ever do anymore.

i had plans during this summer, to do alot of yoga, stay healthy and be happy. but the plans are faltering. yoga's made me happy, but id have to give it up cos of dance rehearsals that are almost 4 times a week. i dont have time for my friends, for myself, for doing the things i want to do. if i had loved dance as much as i did, then mebbe it wont seem so bad. but right now, it does, and it does not look good at all. i am tired. even from just thinking about it.

oh in ohio is a stupid movie. seriously. i hate mischa barton. i really do. ive never liked her in the o.c. i prefered rachel bilson more, but poor her, had to live in the shadows of her tall lanky counterpart. oh in ohio is just proof of how mischa barton cant act at all. look at rachel bilson in the last kiss. i mean come on! ugh. oh in ohio SUCKS. u got that?

mebbe im just bitter.

ive been reading sarah dessen's the truth about forever. great book. u gotta read it for yourself to know it man.

my blog entry today is boring, but whatever, all the drama has past and it's time for me to revert back to ineffectuality. and be zen. yoga, oooommmpphhh. (chants)

music: the red jumpsuit apparatus- the acoustic song

2007-05-03T05:28:00.000+08:00

another maddening night at zouk, another night of confusion, another night of you.

while i had fun with my girls at zouk, and i really appreciate eunice and maryann for trying to like clubbing, but i know it's really not their scene. at least they tried and that's all that matters to me:) we took alot of pictures cos we were bored, and we sat outside and talked, which was all good.

you sure know how to work your way around me mister. im tired of playing these games. the making out, the way you hold me on the dance floor, the game of who's house is it gonna be tonight, and the words that you say. you come in and out of my life as and when you want, and i cant help myself from falling right back in. you were a mistake right from the start, and i wished i knew how to quit you, but i cant. i cant stop myself from falling right back into your eyes, your fine moves. i cant i cant i cant i cant. but after a year, im still back right where i started. i wished i never met u a year ago (cant believe it's been a whole year), and i wished u had never asked me for anything. we would pass each other on the street now and i wouldnt even know your name, who you are, or what uve done to me. i wouldnt be familiar with these games that we play, how jaded i am about men, and how i want you so badly, but i know i cant and i shouldnt cos you're wrong for me. all of these where the i-wish-es but reality is, you had me at hello.

guess who i bumped into at the gym today? darryl-friggin-pan. my jaw nearly dropped to the ground. i saw this superbly cute fella and i thought hey he's cute, and then, HOLD ON, ive seen him somewhere, and suddenly, my head was going 'omg darryl! omg darryl!- cue girlish screams-' but thankfully, all that took place in my head, i was still cool and composed on the outside. well, nearly. all the more reasons to ditch keppel club and head down to planet fitness. im so glad my brother got me this new gym membership. and i love it. :) woohoo. plus they have yoga, which is really great. for me. after the whole class, i felt so at peace with everything. like i said to maryann before, anxiety can go fuck itself. hahhahah. move over dance, yoga's here to take your place, at least for a while. im sure ill go back to dance, i always will. but yoga's great, and it'll help me in dance. so yay!

it's nearly 6am, and i left u 2 hours ago. i am still wondering, if my dad hadnt been up. what if. would i. can i. should i. how to. where to.

why.

2007-04-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

[edit: 1.09am]
it's a funny thing how listening to jared leto's voice crooning and that of tori amos's piano playing with the comfort of me lying on my bed, sitting in the dark, can land me in a state of despair, yet an uncertain kind of comfort. the music resounds through this darkness, making it all the more poignant and real.

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said, "Go to him, stay with him
But be prepared to bleed"

My blood
My holy wine
Tastes so bitter and so sweet
Well I could drink a case of you, darling
And I would still be on my feet
I would still be on my feet
Tori Amos-a case of you

indeed.

finally a decent hour to be blogging, been up till 4 am the past few nights watching JDMA, which is really a great show.this is why: the men are totally yummylicious, janice is a real joy to watch because she is so drama all the time(really wonder if she ever gets tired) and dissing her beyond stupid and poseurish son is just awesome. of course, the girl models are just as hot, but who really gives a shit. i only go straight in for the hunky beefy ones:)

hi everyone my name nur syaheda joanne chua. a little inside joke between yunnie and me:)

clubbing at zouk on friday was alright. they said they closed phuture down for some renovations, but that's a lie. nothing has changed, it's the same hole. they seriously should consider opening or expanding the space, and the toilets for god's sake. but twas good at the end, manfred was a huge laugh, i met some cool people (ie. the female equivalent of zhiqin and she's fucking hilarious). sad thing is that i was grinded by 5 guys at once, while yos tried to protect me. i tried to be oblivious to the fact that they were all dirty slimbags with no balls, but it just got really icky. i was hit on by some 35 year old angmoh, who claimed to be 25, if u are 25 honey, i am 16 ok? so we stood in the corner for most parts with manfred and his friends. we had a decent amount of space to dance and we both were laughing at manfred's ass shaking. it was all good at the end. i only got to bed at 7. but this is only the beginning:)

i went for filament at mhd sultan the next day, the film screening for the yr 4's fyps. and it was actually quite disappointing. i was hoping for something more arty, deep and intriguing, but it was kinda bland, with the usual stories. no royston gimmicks or eric khoo's artistic vision. but ah well, i am not really an ebm person, so i wouldnt have the right to judge.

ive been up talking to tim about the sadness of singapore's clubs. and it is true. we have no good clubs anymore. that's why we see each other at zouk every wednesday even though it is always packed to the brim, and we are constantly vying for space to dance. it's like everything comes and goes, but zouk remains. even mos is just the icks. i wished i had the guts to say ill open a new club and itd be smashing, but in singapore, honestly, how can one survive? the competition's stiff, the market's so small. it's really rather disheartening. so after all said and all the dissing done, tim says," so..phuture on wednesday?", and i say, "yeah ill be down", he says "so much for our complaining huh", and i say, "yeah that's us:("

yup, that's us.

i hope i dont make the same mistake as i did the last time around.

and my ugly past is back to haunt me once again, this wed, that is. we'll see how it goes.

yoga tmrw! weeee

i havent even been thinking about dance. i have lost all enthusiasm for it, and i am actually dreading for rehearsals to begin, cos it' s back to the same studio, the same yelling,and the same pressure to perform.and with that, im torned once again. with the desire to be great on the floor, but with not enough capabilities to match up to my own expectations and that of others. while i love to dance, i cant help but to feel like everything now is so political, the joy that i once had, is there, but yet, it can vanish just with a snap, a comment. one moment is all it takes to take my passion away, just.like.that.

You Belong in New York

You're a girl on the go, and LA's laid back lifestyle isn't really your thing.
You prefer a city that never sleeps, and people as ambitious as you are.
Cultured and street smart, you can truly appreciate everything New York has to offer.

Do You Belong in LA or NY?

i knew i was a bonafide city girl right from the start:)

You Are Most Like Daniela Pestova

Gorgeous and chameleon-like

Which Victoria's Secret Angel Are You?

boredom, u cant help but to do stupid things. haha. victoria's secrets! ooh

2007-04-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

exhausation doesnt even begin to cut it, but im glad it's all over.

i spent my post exam hours watching trashy tv, catching up on janice dickinson modeling agency, reading my book, checking out websites and watched alot of miami ink, of which i think is a HOT show. totally my scene.

friday awaits. :)

there was this episode of miami ink where a girl came in and got this ed hardy looking tattoo, the skull, the rose petals and the works. she did it to commemorate the death of her friend. and it was gorgeous. now i want. damn. but i love the fact all of them are so dedicated to their craft. my favourite's chris, just because he is so chilled and so professional. but i love ami, i think he is hot. haha.i really have gone to the dark side as elson said ill eventually be on.

i'm sedated right now.almost 8 hours in front of the laptop and the tv, can u really blame me?

gonna recharge and ge my well deserved 12 or more hours of sleep, hit the gym, movie with my brother and ZOUKKKKKKKKKK! woot. yos u better study hard now, love love

2007-04-25T02:12:00.000+08:00

FEAST YOUR EYES BABY AND WIPE THAT DROOL OFF YOUR FACE:) hahahahahhahah!

on a more serious note:
days have past, and im in a state of placidity, ineffectuality has washed over me.

thanks to all who have sent me their love. it's so comforting to know that i still have some friends who care so much about me. it's all good, i just have to sort it all out on my own.

exams always make me depressed, especially when i feel completely unattractive, fat and terribly unglam. it is also a time where i sleep late, wake up early, and hello, zit-land. i have one huge zit on my left cheek and it HURTS. wanna pop it, but it wont pop. so i have to walk around spotting a really ugly red mark. :( boo. thank god for the concealer, but still it hurts. i hope the zit disappears by friday, cos i dont know what all that smoke at zouk is going to do to it. i must be studying too much literature. listen to me talking about a stupid zit. my god, im pulling a virginia woolf, with her stupid mark on the wall.

i really hope i do well for literature, at least a B+ because i did good for the 2nd essay so maybe got some slight chance of making up. and I pray and hope james joyce or anything from the modernism/postmodernism period comes out cos they're all so messed up. :) but with angela, you never know. she's one sick, twisted bitch. kaw! (oh dear, harold pinter's the dumb waiter is working its effects on me now)

you know for the first time in my life, i actually actually really enjoyed exams? okay, my art exam to be exact. and when it ended, i was truly truly sad. like i'll never get to do it anymore. i was telling pris that i am really sad it's all over, and she was too.:( and when my nick was "i'm wishing i could do it all over again", melissa was like NO, YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT EXAMS ARE YOU? and i was surprised at myself when i was all happy and cheery and said YES! haha. it didnt even feel like an exam, it felt so personal, something i can relate to. and i hope i got A for the module. cos today i had a consultation session with kate, i got A- for my essay! and A+ for my presentation (which was so surprising cos i thought i was so boring i could have cried)! Beyond me, really. i must really love it. and i do. i do i do i do. yay, so happy. im getting delirious, it's the 3am syndrome. but yah, i seldom do well, so let me revel in it will u?

haha

okay last 2 more papers to go. gonna be a beach bum, read, be a yogi (yes marykins, wanna go for yoga together?), dance dance dance till my feet dies, be an alcoholic and smoking addict, and get pierced and tattooed in all places possible. hahaha.

to be honest, all im waiting for is friday. explains why i posted so many dance vids on my blog. im itching for some dance floor action. FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYY!:) yossie and jo are going to rock zouk down. woohoooooooo. so excited, i dont even wanna study already. haha. no la, kidding, ill always be a nerd. snortt.

sleep! it seems like everyone has gone to sleep, i am so hardworking, i cant stand it.haahahahah, no eunice is more hardworking:) so is maryann. (i had to be fair here huh)hahaha. die im easily tickled, a sign that im losing it. oh, so modernist style, streams of consciousness, internal monologues and a lack of resolution. my god. im losing it.

toodles:)

music: jimmy eat world- just watch the fireworks (love this song man)
here you can be anything
anything that scares you
i think that scares you here,
i've been here before
but only by myself, myself
i promised i'd see it again
i promised i'd see this
with you now

BZ Class - Nick Wilson - Group 3

2007-04-25T02:03:00.001+08:00

check the girl out, 2nd to the right. she's amazing. the videography's abit screwed up, but nonetheless, some hot shit going on.:)

Dance Class - Alvin de Castro

2007-04-24T03:02:00.001+08:00

lyrical hiphop, something i wanna do so badly, but will never get to do.

JP San Pedro

2007-04-24T02:56:00.001+08:00

yet again. i can stay up all night just watching boogie zone. check out the spin he does at the end, wicked. and i would give anything, anything at all, to dance like that.

2007-04-20T02:08:00.000+08:00

i hadnt meant to blog tonight, in fear of looking thoroughly self-indulgent and selfish. but i had to.

feeling damn fucked up about dancetitude right now. it's like what's the fucking point of me dancing. i have never missed a single dance session, i am always there. yah, so fine, i am not the best dancer in the world, and I KNOW THAT. but why must u deprive me of my chances? I had wanted to be in dances that i want to try out. like lyrical hip hop or something with a slight contemporary twist. but did u give me any of that? no. instead because of ur mistake, i was taken out of morning's and just dumped into any other dance. dont get me wrong, i have great great respect for rashida, but u just made me feel like im totally useless and not needed at all. what good show? what? i dont even feel like dancing anymore.

i dont see a point.

ive been trying so hard to impress people, to impress you, but there's always something that i am not doing right. in your eyes, i am just another girl who should be standing in the back row and not the front. it was a mistake to pick me and to put me into freshmakers. much thanks to your friend. i know you dont want me to do dances for mj, because u are afraid that i will put the club to shame. you never saw me as a good dancer. u only saw me as joanne, the dancer who got in by chance. you never asked me if i wanted to do any dances, you only went straight ahead for the better ones. i was just a back up. like dxo, u only did it cos you felt it was fair. all because you had asked everyone else except me, and since everyone else turned down, and i said yes, it was only natural for you to take me in.

maybe i am imagining all of this in my head, or that the stress of the exams have taken a toll on me. perhaps. i dont know.

all i know is that i have great passion for dance, and you're only killing it all. till the point when i just want to give up dancing altogether.

thanks, hi, i am your new vicepresident btw, of which i know i certainly didnt earn because of my dancing ability, but because no one else had wanted to run for the position. yay. makes me feel great.i suck, woopie.

2007-04-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

out of random boredom and the lack of concentration, i did a stupid colorgenics test:

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.
Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish.

You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination.

You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.(read: this, my friends, is the reason why i CANNOT date a mat:), obviously.)

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.

funny how choosing a few coloured boxes can say so much about a person, and not forgetting the fact that it's actually quite accurate. interesting, very interesting.

i must have lost it somewhere along the way. i dont know what it was, or how it came about. perhaps it was the rain, the fact that i was studying literature, or that i had emo songs plugged into my ears, but i felt very sad today.

i was sad that i was sad, and that made me even sadder.

i feel ugly. and i am constantly plagued by these thoughts of inadequacy. i feel like i'm never good enough, not for anyone, but im never good enough for me. there's always a part of me that will never be able to let go of the fat ugly girl, im always berating myself for everything that goes wrong, for my stupidity, my ugliness, my lack of companionship. and it's stupid, much less tiring. but that's the story of my life. insecurity, fear and paranoia. every other passing day, is just another carousel ride with these thoughts that play up inside my head. and i can't tell anyone, there's no one to tell. i am ugly.and no amount of makeup and pretty clothes can ever mask my inferiority. that's why.that's why i am sad.

i want a holga camera, if anyone has not given me a birthday present and is feeling rich, can do so and make me a very happy girl.

placed some cool links at the side, shld check out MoMA and the lomography website.
beautiful, so beautiful.

hey anhua! did u know that the vj x-cty girls are champions again after 7 years? exciting isnt it?:) miss u love. shld catch up!

talking about catching up, guess who i just talked to on msn? michael lui, yeah like daphne's michael lui. but not anymore. he is a decent boy and funny in a strange way. but it's all cool! he's headed back to singapore in about a month. he says he wants to meet up, but really, some dates are said but u never make an effort to set a real one up. that's the futility of some relationships, it just never is what it seems.

forget it, i am going to sleep. i'm trying to play my mood up here, but it's not working. so, so long, and goodnight.

so long, and goodnight.

2007-04-15T20:05:00.000+08:00

(read: below's entry was written last night but i failed to post it up, due to a shitty internet connection but i cleverly saved it! muahahha)

seriously, i pity you. with all that self-indulgent bull. tell me, it must be tiring being you isnt it.

fuck murphy's law. seriously. everytime i wanna go tan, it rains. but when i leave to shower, it starts to shine again. LIKE WTF.
angry la. but perhaps it's god's way of supporting mary, and the fact that i shld stop tanning.

itunes, my pride and joy baby. i have 1,642 songs on my ipod and hiphop alone has got 1,028 songs. i still have yet to transfer my indie junk too. oooh yeah baby. i'm so ready for your birthday party yunnie. i rock:)

friday was my last art history class with kate. i am going to miss it aplenty. i really do love art, and the philosophies behind it. while i am not the best drawer/designer in the world, i realised that for me, it's more of what art can do for a person. that the futility of life, society, corruption, the lack of morality can all be translated onto a canvas. that a picture can say so much. it's amazing how much i have learnt from this course, that even studying for it, seems like a joy. is this what i really wanna do for life? i just know i want to be part of it always.

i am constantly plagued by thoughts of how my life will turn out. will i stay here in singapore? or will i go to the city that i left my heart in, new york? will i work in a magazine and write about fashion, be a columnist for a fancy tabloid, here, elsewhere? will i get married, have kids and settle down in fear of dying an old maid? or will i lead a bohemian life, of independence and freedom, of being an individual who does what she wants when she wants? i have always thought of myself as being independent, while lapsing into moments of 'i need a man'. but more importantly, what will my life be like when i'm 30. who will be my friends? where will i stay? what will i do? in 2 more years, ill be thrown out into the real world, of backbiting and bitching. and all i wanna do is take a big nap whenever i think about it. 2 years, passes before u know it. all i know is that i dont want to spend the rest of my life, worrying. my uncle tells me to go to new york and do what i love, live the life i know i will come to love. is it where i really wanna go? my heart says yes. but then there are other aspects to consider. what about my family? what about my friends? what about the expenses? can i do this? what if i had continued pursuing art in ny? what if i wanna work in MoMA? will there be opportunities for a mediocre, average asian like me? so many questions, so many uncertainties. i cant answer.

maybe it's because im studying for art that all of these thoughts hit me. but it's scary.

I am going to go for part time courses at nafa during the summer cos I think that the more I go and do something that I love, the more certain I can be about the uncertainties. Will I make this my career one day? To work in a gallery, to write for an art magazine? Maybe, I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t keep wondering anymore. But to make the best out of the situation.
27th of april, zouk baby with yos. It’s been a 4 months hiatus. It’s time to break into my dancing shoes and in yos’s words, “imma gonna dance like madfuck.” Hahahhaha.

mary’s coming home soon, yayyyyyyyy! I want u to meet my friends maryann and Eunice, I think they’ll love u. and of course, u’ll love them! Hahaha. Kisses, loadsa hugs and loadsa lesbian love going on. : ) xoxo

my brother just asked me if I wanted to go attica. I want lor. But he said ‘eh u having exams right, don’t go.’ UGH. But it’s okay me love u many many kor. For giving me money when I have none, giving me an ipod, for bringing me out on date night (ie. Friday/Saturday nights) when I am a total loser having absolutely nothing to do, and for telling me to follow my heart. (I wont lapse into one of those sentimental and wussy crap, but u know la huh)

shld go back to studying. And leave these thoughts for another not-so-rainy day. (still pissed btw)

2007-04-11T00:31:00.000+08:00

oh joy, the combination to a perfect relationship: a fashion magazine and latte. :)

i wanna start a gofugyourself site, cs version. or rather ntu version. hahahha. me and laura shall be editors, we'd be fabulous! coming from a girl who reads 30 fashion magazines a month, i think id be cut out for it. come! join me, and snap snap snap away!

dxo was so-so. we werent all that fantastic. in fact i thought we were kinda bad. but oh well. no harm no foul. i spent most of the evening screaming my lungs out for my icekachang boys (yum, he is sooo hot) and bfc! who were so nice. i realised i hooked up with some of the bfc crew at zouk before and guess what? they're malays. OH JOY. i believe im cut out for inter-racial marriage, definitely. yup.

NO!!!!!: (

anyhow, i am thinking of getting another tattoo, a star on each side of my ankle, just to commemorate my punk rocker days. but mebbe ill regret it at the end of the day. oh no, let's just wait for exams to be over, it probably is just a phase. haha

i spent a wonderful sunday evening with my ladees at the esplanade. imagine 4 girls decked out in pretty dresses, heels and yelling vulgarities. okay i think it's just me and maryann, but hahahah. it was so fun. the phantom of the ooppperrraaaa. the stupid song is STILL stuck in my head. but oh so nice! i love the theatre, i love doing it, and i miss it. sigh. i never was one with the stage (apart from dance), but i still am in awe of how everything falls into place at the end of the day.

school's a biatch these days. so much's going on, and i want to take the back seat of it all. but truth is, i have my own opinions too. this could go on and on, and i think it's juvenile. we are going to be fine people, where is all the love? :) we'll all be fine.

oh oh oh, i found neo prints of my bff days with daphne. god, we look so different then. SHE looked different. normal at least. maybe i can auction it off for some money. hahahaha.

mary, so when are u coming back? emails are so confusing. u better come back! me miss u many many. :(

stop playing mind-fucking games with me u bastard.

2007-04-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

c"and really, i hate myself a little for saying this. but. it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. no speacial guy to wish me happy birthday, no god damn soulmates. and i dont even know if i believe in soulmates."-- carrie bradshaw (sarah jessica parker, sex and the city season 4)

"because i am lonely, the loneliness is palpable."-- carrie bradshaw (sarah jessica parker, sex and the city season 5)

it seems like we'll always feel lonely.

friendships, it's a tricky thing. there are those that you care about, but they just dont give a fuck about you. there are those whom u feel u could be close to, but yet you dont know how to get closer. there are those whom u can see only once in a long time, and yet every time u see them, the distance doesnt matter at all. there are those that you hate(or so u think), but yet they still give a shit about u, more than those u wished would give a shit. there are those who care, really care, and ive only come to realise it, only sometimes a bit too late.

i dont want to miss out on these things anymore.

i want my friends back, life back. why, what happened between all of us. it's ironic we're only a few train stops away, but yet we can never find the time to talk, to catch up. i'm busy, you're busy, everyone's busy. but did we really try hard enough? did i try hard enough? i dont know. i do, i feel, sometimes. but all that effort goes to waste, and then i give up. had i not put up good enough a fight?

i loved my friends, those from vj, tk, my past. but why is it, all that love is nowhere to be found now. in me, i know i care. but i cant work up the energy anymore to ask people out. cos we all have our lives to lead, phases to move past, life to move on.

but i guess ill be fine. we're always lonely somehow.

i am learning to open up to new people in my life. mj-ians, maryann,eunice and all, but it'll take me some time, to learn how to trust others with my thoughts once again. so spare me, forgive me, for i am still learning. but at times, i wonder why bother, when mebbe all those times i tried would disappoint me again.

school's been trying these few days. everyone's breaking down, everything's falling apart. i just hope this time of difficulty would past and we would all be our happy selves again.

at least i have saturday to dance my heart out, and then maybe, just maybe, ill smile truly, in a very long while.

mulz: nope, they're not local dancers. yeya's this swedish/norwegian choreographer! :) and rino nakasone is gwen stefani's harajuku girls. but the videos are fucking amazing innit? hahaha.

maryann: YES I KNOW! i wanna dance like that too:( work hard babe, we'll get there.

elke: I MISS U LIKE FUCK LA. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO PARTY?!hahahhaha

Boogiezone class--Rino

2007-04-02T00:00:00.001+08:00

rino nakosone is SO FUCKING GOOD AHHHHH!!!

Yeya-My Love

2007-04-01T23:52:00.001+08:00

now this is what i call dance.

2007-03-28T00:20:00.000+08:00

i realised that my room smells like an old lady's room, a combination of incense and counterpain. im turning old. by 30, i will be hobbling down orchard road suffering from a bad case of athritis.

so much work, so so so much work. i cant breathe, literally. it's no good.

ive been reading fear and trembling by kierkegaard. i must say it's been interesting..
and ive been reading freud as well. that egoistical bastard. or in maryann's words, nothing but a cocksucker. HAHAHHAHA.

today i bought a travel guide to the greatest city in the world, new york. for one buckeroo. it's things like this that makes me happy. even for that split second.

times like that dont come easy.

i saw him on stage, and i thought to myself, what the hell did i see in him anyway? he looks short, awkward, full bloody stop. then he did something else that i always remembered about him. damn boy, you can move. and that was how he took me in again.

im fucking fat.

i hate my skin, the skin i am living in.

i have a great feeling that i am not going for 227 lecture tmrw, i have given up all hope that ill ever be good at techy stuff. i was just not meant to function this way.

some pictures:

say hello to good times, what matters is what hasnt been my darling.

2007-03-21T13:30:00.000+08:00

suddenly, there seems to be so much to do, and there isnt enough time for them all.
projects to be completed, essays to be done, dance performances to do. i don't know why im still dancing even after competition, but i guess for all dance has done for me, i just have to throw myself back into the game, as sick as i am of it, of all the politics, the hate and the talking.
performing on the 7th of april at dxo, tickets are 18 sgd inclusive of one free drink. who wants to go? message me for tickets. there'll be a showcase of performances by jitterbugs, nus dance blast, nra and alot of other good dancers. so, yeah. (im not exactly putting my hopes up for people to come this time, but i still have to sell tickets for ntu mj)

gotta get through this, i have to.

time passes fast, before i know it, this semester is coming to a close. i feel like ive grown up more this semester, but yet, at the same time, i feel like ive lost a bit of myself, a bit darker, a bit less cheerful. i am now less flighty, more cynical. ive got so much angst now, it seems like it's part of me. it's no longer an emotion i need to let out, but just another emotion that goes through me every single day. and i think that is really sad. i keep myself these days, i am reclusive and i shut myself out from the people that i once felt was important to me. those disappointments they hurt so much, that now it is like another passing emotion that i am numb to.

edit: 6.42pm
just got back from class. been a long day, but gd02 seems to be shaping up really nice.

hopelessly addicted to deviantart.com at the moment. love art, love the fact that images, pictures can say so much.
that is all.

2007-03-11T21:36:00.000+08:00

danceworks'07 came and went. we didn't make it to the final 4, but we won high energy and best costume. can i say im disappointed? yeah, i am. like fuckloads. cos i wanted to get in so badly. i think the judging system this year is way unfair. but hey, i'm only one person. i have realised that these things happen.

things like having messaged alot of your friends asking for support but only a few came down, some said they would but were nowhere to be seen, some came but didn't even see anything. i can't complain, now can i? it's just jo, it's no big deal.

dance has its ups and downs. ups when you feel like you are on cloud 9, having the time of your life. u smile, u laugh and u feel wonderful. downs are when u feel like ure just another invisible soul on stage, u dance well but with no validation, u want others to come and see u, to share your joy but no one will/can/whatever, u want to win so much, so badly cos all of your heart was invested in it, but only to be mediocrely rewarded. u spent all your time and energy on it, but u get nowhere. u try your best to make others feel okay, but they only bring u down. these things, these things, they kill. u try your best to push all the negativity away, when others drill u, but u only feel more and more inadequate, so much so that u can cry without even realising that those were tears. it's so much to take. it's so much, and i'm only one person.

i am tired of these disappointments. friends, studies and now the one thing i love, dance. i have given up on certain things. things like love, like some of my friends, resigned to the fact that things like my studies are never going to get any better, but am i willing to give up on dance? i dare say not, the happiest times i have had sans love and bf and friends, is when i am in the studio dancing to the beat that never stops. but all of that comes with another set of failures i cant handle on top of all that other emotions. how come, how come, when, when, did things get so complicated.

it's all in a mess. i'm in a mess.

i had tried to lose myself in the throngs of people as i walked. upon hearing the fact that we didnt get in, i had tried my best to snap out of it, tell myself it's okay, at least we won something, that we were great out there. but where is all that validation i had so badly wanted? only in the mind. my mind. not anybody else's mind. i walked, but i felt lost. all i wanted to do was to come home and sleep.

it's worse when u haven't got anyone to talk to, to share all these ups and downs with. the ups are not complete without having ur other friends tell u that u were awesome out there, cos some werent even there, who would know? who would. no one. so there it goes, another empty validation in the air.

i spent my post-competition hours with nisa and fadzlin. we ate and caught up, laughed and smoked, had dead hamsters for dinner and i daresay, i missed those days. the days when all was simple, i was just me, good studies, leader, dancer and all.

it seemed like all it went from then on, was downhill.

but i aint ready to give up on dance. even though it might have given up on me already.

2007-03-04T22:26:00.000+08:00

in just a matter of a few days, many things have happened.
i am now the new vice president of dance, thank you very much.:)
it's rather exciting and i cant wait to torture the rest of my crew. hahahahaha. no just kidding. but it feels great to be part of something ure so passionate about. alot of pr-ing beckons. i shall try my best to feel enthusiastic.
i have gotten my tattoo on my righht hip. it hurt like FUCK. i think i broke maryann's fingers cos i squeezed it too hard (what would i do without you!)but it was all good, cos the outcome was pretty great. i love the fairy design, it was exactly how i wanted it. AH I LOVE ELSON! hahahahha.
i went for hiphop night which has gotten me very nervous about danceworks. now im scared we will not make it. blast is so god damn strong and i dont wanna sound negative but i do wanna make it through to the finals. and win. i havent gone through 2 months of rubbish just to lose.i just wished others could see it the way i do.
and im getting old. constantly tired. shit, really have to drink more red bull. die!
fred and i have been in the talks about setting up our own concept shop together with deana. i seriously want this to take off so we're thinking about potential investors or rich relatives of which we can milk from. so if anyone's willing, HELO!:)
okay i had alot to say but suddenly i feel very sleepy so im gonna go snooze and it's not even past midnight. GEE, i AM getting old.

2007-03-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

im back from bangkok and what can i say? i love that city. it's amazing what a break can do to you. being in a totally new surrounding, seein the different people, the different sounds, everything, it makes you feel as if you're actually home in all that unfamiliarity. i hadnt wanted to come home, but all good things must come to an end, or so they say. but nevertheless, it was pretty fucking great.

and then the days had to be worse, with the neverending split-splat-split-splat of the rain compared to the sweltering heat i was in whilst being in bangkok.

i miss the pulsating night life i witnessed at khao san, the many many throngs of bagpackers in their element of hippiness (which brings me to the topic of me wanting to be a hippie when i grow up, to have dreadlocks, and be barefooted while getting drunk, having fags at volk bar, this very insanely cool van-like bar in khao shan!), the ice cold coffee you can get for less than 50 cents along the roadside and FUCKING CHEAP japanese food which tasted like heaven. and oh, YSLs for 2 bucks a box. tell me, how can you not love a life like this?

i dragged my ass back to hall for dance which was a total waste of my time, cos we only sat around and made the props, talk cock and sing song. but watched the boys rehearse for hiphop night. which was fun. if not for the fact that i was pretty much shagged, i would probably have a better time. it's dance all the way till competition day, march the 10th. we better win this shit, so i can prove to all em talkers that the 6 of us girls got where we are because we are capable.

anyway, that's all that i have to say.im sleepy now, good night world.

i wished i could be in my nice hotel room, sipping vodka mudshake whilst watching hbo. vyt reality beckons. and that stinks.

2007-02-21T10:06:00.000+08:00

it seems like im always blogging in shawn's class. just because, im bored most of the time.
it's post cny and it feels gay to be coming back to school at 830am in the morning. and there are not many people in class. i am dead beat and just wanna go back and lie down like a slob. first, a swim, a nice tan perhaps and generally be a bum.i love this life.
or not.

the break wasn't all that great.as i had expected, sitting around and trying to make small talk was all very tiring and trying at the same time.it's like a perpetual battle of smiles and such.plus i had a big fallout with my parents, same old, nothing new. and im trying my best to let it all go. but i cant. im sick of this shit. i hardly see my brother, and i dont even get to talk to him. i have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with. i cannot function like this anymore, like a vacant soul just wondering day to day. i thought i could, but maybe i was wrong.i wished i was more connected with the world, with others, to be able to let them know that this is me, that i am human too. that like others, i have the same aspirations, dreams and hopes. i wished i could live a day, standing outside of me and watch me. would i be intrigued? or would i be bored to death by the very sight of me? perhaps. perhaps a little of both. i don't know. i just remembered crying, in the dark.

our lesson's all the way to 230, but im gonna leave early. cant take this shit.

on a less depressing note, we're going to bangkok! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
aces. i totally could do with the break. bangkok, bangkok.

ive been havin odd dreams of late. very odd. and not in a good way. it echoes the palpable loneliness, like a ringing siren that is blaring itself and it wont stop. it's tiring. it's almost too tiring for me to bear any longer. the dreams, these dreams, those dreams. reality or not, who could tell.

2007-02-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

it's been some time since i last updated. well, same ole' same ole'. valentines' day came and went, and it isnt any different this year. i spent it with my laptop, my art notes and prepared for my presentation. mind being alone? not exactly. sad isn't it.

oh well. dance has been both good and bad. i often wonder at times why do dancers always have to be something. like arrogant, bitchy, backstabbers and all the evils of the world? why can't we be nice and just get on with ourselves and not let it get to our heads such thoughts like 'hey i am a good dancer, and you suck.' ive been called arrogant together with the rest of us 6 girls. but it's funny. cos there isn't anything to validate those comments. 6 of us are witht he seniors most of the time, the so-called better dancers but we hadnt performed a single time. we've cried over it, and now it feels like pity.

i hate you. get away from me. thats all i have left to say to you.

i seriously need a fag.

and im getting a tattoo, YIPPEEEEEEE. so psyched. i am not chickening out this time. better go make my appointment soon.

i hate cny. hate having to sit around doing nothing. except try to make small talk with relatives i barely see. i painted my nails black. i deem it fitting in lieu of the occassion and my feeelings towards it.

i hate it when people give me that 'poor single you' looks. or when people tell me, im sure you dont want to spend v day alone. well i do, so what? does that make me inadequate? just because im single? im single and fabulous, exclamation point.

single and fucking fabulous, baby.

check out joe leong(i think his surname is 'leong') in this year's cleo 50 eligible bachelors! go him! he is sooooooooooo cute. YUM YUM YUM.:)
time to head back to the east side. woohoo. byeeeee

2007-02-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

i really need to stop shopping. my mother is so gonna freak when she sees my bills at the end of the month. but i cant help myself. the clothes are oh so pretty!!:( ive bought far too many pairs of skinnies. oh schizzer. and i want more! MORE MORE MORE. i have a shopping problem. for a long time now actually. eesh. i love fox kids btw, i can fit their clothes. YIPPEEE!hahahhaha. shit, really need to stop. but while typing, i just purchased a top and another pair of skinnies. damn you mouse! damn!!

'if charlotte was right about having only one big love in your life then mine had to be new york city. and i wont take shit from people who say bad things about my man'- carrie bradshaw

'new york, new york, wont you miss it?- carrie bradshaw to mr. big'

i know i do. i still do.

wanna go back there this summer. MARY!!!!yoohoo:)

2007-02-04T01:15:00.000+08:00

is it true that when you are sad, you can write and write but the words dont seem to fit? or that when you are happy, you can write and write but all the words seem to be inadequate at expressing that joy you feel? so when will it ever be a good time for me to write? cos lately, i feel like ive been void of emotions but not in a bad way, yet, in a not so good way as well.

i am drained, but i can still laugh. i am tired, but i can still make peace with it. i feel like i am being pulled in opposites direction but headed for the same end. does that make sense? i dont know.

i love to dance, it is now my only form of escapism. letting go of every single damned feeling i have in me that is weighing me down. but lately, i am feeling very upset, awkward and uncomfortable during every practice. because of a particular someone. i wanna say fuck off and leave it be. but can it be that simple? yet at the same time i question: when did things get so complicated? i feel bad, when i shouldnt be. i feel like i am in the wrong, although i didnt do so much as to be blamed for anything. so don't put your shit on me.

i am currently having an illicit love affair with sex and the city. it is my life. it glorifies everything, both good and bad, about manhattan, the town that my life was made to be in. and i am totally loving it. it makes me cry, and laugh at the same time. abit like friends, but in a different way. i love it that it can tell me the truths about single men and single women, in the least judgmental, yet real way. although god help me, i want to slap charlotte sometimes. she is so god damn whiny.

and to quote:
'it's like the riddle of the sphinx: why are there so many great unmarried women but no great unmarried men?- carrie bradshaw'
'(on the topic of blow jobs) we dont call it a 'job' for nothing you know- samantha jones'
god the last one had me cracking up.

alot of people always tell me they dont see me in school. for the record, id like to state that i DO attend all my lessons and i am in school. i just dont exactly like to spend my time in pretnetious-land, with people flinging their tiaras and indulging in their hypocrisy. i rather hang back with my girls bitching and not dig myself a hole that which would be my grave eventually. i like being alone and independent. that's just the way i am.

what happened to all my friends of which we pledge undying alleigance to? of family talks and of love? i dont know.

maybe that's why im single. im too tough for people to break.

2007-01-26T15:19:00.000+08:00

i only want to be happy.

and i think i finally feel this way.

even if life is mundane, and insignificantly boring, i think i feel peace now. with myself. it's kind of like a zen-state i have never been able to truly feel cos there was something/someone taking all that away from me.

it could have been dance. it could have been the fact that i have a group of girls whom i love, and they share the same passion for dance, bitching and late nights and the f-word.:) dong ni, jeannie, liza and aisya i love youuuuuuuuuuuu!:) it's been so fun just being with them, stalked by crazy ppl and gossiping like nobody's business.

it could also have been the fact that i have fun in school now with maryann, eunice and deana. going for classes together and generally talking about everyting and anything. it feels wonderful.

it could be the fact that i am finally making good use of my opportunity to do the things i want to do in life and the fact that i now want to be an art curator. muahahah, dare to dream baby.

but it definitely is not the fact that i am being chased after but this malay dude who just cant get the idea that i am NOT BLOODY INTERESTED. why maalay? why? why why? why? my love life OFFICIALLY SUCKS

but..amongst everything else, i am thankful.

i had the most freaky encounter today after art class today. i ran into this bunch of korean people who sked me to do some survey. so i was feeling all generous cos very happy mah, art class so fun. anyway, the survey was just beyond ODD. it asked about questions on christianity, and then the lady talked to me about god the mother. and god the father. okay. hold your horses lady. i have heard of god the father, SON AND HOLY SPIRIT but never ever god the mother. and she was going on and on about how god is our father and we're his chidlren. okay that's right but then she started yapping on about us needing to have a mother figure as our 'GOD' which is totally wrong.

nvm..it was odd. okay im going back home! hurray

2007-01-19T22:24:00.000+08:00

i apologise for the lack of updates, it's just that my computer decided to crash on me and now its finally working!:)
it's been a rather nice start to school, as i've learnt to be more driven and focused this sem. i guess it's because i am taking modules that i really have interest in like survey of modern art and literature. it's amazing, i love it. i'm gonna do a minor in art, design and media. it's so fun and i even contemplated switching courses, but we'll leave that for another day altogether.
muse concert was FUCKING AWESOME. bra, are you reading this? muahahhahaha. matthew bellamy is so fucking sexae. i really wouldnt mind being a groupie!:)
anyway ive been dancing like crazy, and my girls and i are joining dbl o's jim beam hip hop competition. watch out people, you;ll be FUNK'D.:) that's our group name btw haha.
okay off to watch entourage:)

2007-01-07T00:01:00.000+08:00

so the year 2006 has come and gone, it was about time i drew up some resolutions, or nice summing up, since everyone was doing one or have already done it.

i was just too lazy to.

so obviously resolution no.1: quit being a bum. but come on, who the hell are we kidding here. it's jo, bumming is my speciality.

but resolution no.2: would definitely be to dance more, dance better and to never stop dancing.

this being the most important and probable one.

let's list others shall we?
-to meet up with my family, friends and misc. others (but then again.that would depend on everyone else's schedules, which would mean this resolution wont really take place)
-to party harder, drink more booze and have more fags (hell YEAH)
-to run more
-to read more, write more and never stop drinking coffee.
-to eat healthier, more sushi and lovin'
-to spread the jo lovin' around.
-to make more new friends
-to spend more wisely (yeah right)
-to love myself more
-to tell my friends i love em whenever i can despite being a bitch at times. and of course, telling my bestie i miss her like fuck every single bleeding day: (

i spent new year's with people that i love, toasted to renewed friendships, and more love to go around. it was so fun even though we didn't party in the clubs. we had civilised conversations over bubbly, alcohol and gen+cal's crooning.:)

yesterday, i spent a wonderful evenin with the dancers. i love all em mj dancers:) hours watching dance movies, cheese crackers, chocolate fondue and dance 101 with my dance captain, stupid games and laughing till my sides hurt, translates to nearly 10 hours of good ol' fun. i was postively shagged by the time i got home at 4 am. just a roomful of people who share the same love for dance and spreading it.

okay, i shall go watch satc now. and juicy couture has arrived in my mailbox today. woopideedoo. the tags attached are SO cute. seriously, sounds like paris hilton in print. hahhaha.

school in 2 days, FUCK.
:(

okay, resolutions are so not gonna work out. i could just feel it.

im joining danceworks! woopeedidoo!LOVE.

2006-12-29T01:43:00.000+08:00

"Fix it. That's what I wished someone would do. Fix life, and I will live again."- Elizabeth Wurtzel, More Now Again

how those words ring true.

my laptop is fucked up. and now im using my brother's. it has an innate radar that says 'PISS JO OFF'. i hate it and i feel like smashing it to pieces.

pardon the anger. but i am pissed off with my grades. i studied like FUCK but i got totally shit grades. i cant believe i fucking got Cs. i never get Cs, even if it's a plus, and i mean NEVER. i mean jc doesnt count, because eventually i did okay. so, there goes my gpa. GREAT.

and worse still, i had someone come up to me and say this.: (upon seeing that i changed my nick to the above quote) "i give you screwdriver, you fix your life." you know what, fuck off.

now i just want to cry, scream and just wished i could talk to someone and just rant my fucking brains out. but well guess what, there's no one. not a single one.

was supposed to go party tonight, but surprises of all surprises, it didnt fall through. i mean seriously, what's the point about me living.

i have relied too much on SATC to take away my sorrows and turn it into laughter, and now i have watched all 12 episodes at least 5 times. i shall go buy the rest on amazon.com or something.

patrick kept scolding me today. 'why cant you remember your steps.' 'why didnt you do it properly.' 'you do so many times still cannot remember is it.' well, that's just fucking great isnt it.

apparently it's a good thing that he scolds you, it means he notices you. well, let's just hope so.

i need to dance, i need to cry, i need to scream, i need to run.

i feel so fucking alone.

but that's life right?

that's life.

2006-12-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

oh lord, im tired.

from alot of things.

dance, in a sauna-like dance studio. placating a 21 year old due to his recent breakup. fighting the mad crowd at phuture. sleeping for only 4 hours. too many ciggies and alcohol from devil's (but what an insanely good idea though it's FREE).

last but not the least,

feeling totally fucked up from all the tension and hurt im feeling.

i hate the case of boyfriends. they take away the life of me and my friends. sorry, i know it sounds very selfish of me to be saying things like these cos i shldnt be denying my friends of their happiness, but am i really that insignificant? i wonder sometimes. and if i am, then does my existence mean a shit? maybe not.

sorrry if i haven't been a good enough friend, bryna. if i don't reply messages, and then you make it sound as if i am the one who refuses to meet up. it wasn't intentional, nor was it an act of complete arrogance. i had tried to be a good friend, but maybe it wasnt good enough.

i swear to god, if it werent for dance, i might have just bawled my eyes out on the train. maybe im just being emo, yeah, blame it on that. jo's always emo right? yeah. i am.

so i should just play the part and fuck all.

2006-12-20T02:46:00.000+08:00

i have gone black and platinum,hairwise. and im totally lovin' it. yay for calin's hairdresser! woot.

we took long walks to siglap and back, exchanging stories about ghosts and creepy schools, counting the calories and the reality of us never being perfectly thin, views on life, love and friendship, sexual encounters with ah peks, hyena-sounding laughters, stopping for pee breaks at the nearby police post, braving the rain and meeting the "drunkards" who pleaded for our help but we ignored. what can i say, i love you. YOS!:)

christmas is gonna be quiet this year. no mary, no partner to share it with. maybe ill just spend it with my books. and on my own. it could be something different and worth venturing. somehow, this year, it seems to different on my own now.

i am a proud owner of a pair of new air force ones. they're pink and so pretty! yay. everyone shld visit leftfoot fot some cutie action. all the sales assistants are damn cute, and not forgetting very friendly. ace for service! i like. haha.

anyone zouking tmrw? msg me! i wanna go, so i can get some skl action and so my feet can get its weekly dosage of dance and foot stomping. but im falling sick, STUPID RAIN.

it's costing me good money cos i cab everywhere now. ugh.

music: leigh nash- need to be next to you

2006-12-09T03:12:00.000+08:00

am very tempted to break out into a horrible rendition of paula (is her surname cole?) something's "where have all the cowboys gone?" but replacing "cowboys" with just "boys". in fact where have all the HOT men gone. it's so sad, as i zouked on wednesday with much loved tsd mates- lenny, gen (who insists she isnt bitter but obviously is!) , christine, yunnie and yos,amongst the rest of the world, and i swear, i didnt find one cute/good looking dude at all. this is so tak glam but i am going to whine and scream- HOW COME LIDDAT ONES.:( they were either botak, ching chong mamasans or were too drunk and thought much with their dicks and not their heads. seriously, i am beginning to wonder if god is just trying to play a cruel joke on me. so. WHERE have all the good men gone, tell me , cos i'll be there first in line waitin for my turn.

sigh.

mebbe i have grown too cynical, too jaded for my own good. but what the hell, everyone else is too, so spread the love baby, spread the love.

shisha-ed yesterday and mmmmmmm, i'm lovin' it! haha. and then popped by janelle's house in the middle of the night to give her a little birthday surprise. fun!

some say i am in depression, well maybe i am. does it matter anymore? not that it matters to me. i know i am in serious denial, and i really just cannot be bothered much anymore. sometimes i feel like i am close to tears, because i dont know how come i'm feeling this way, and i wished i could just talk to someone about it but i dont know how. i dont even know where to begin. i feel so distant from everyone, like there's a wall between me and the rest of the world and i want so badly to break it all down, but yet i can't. because i just don't know how. i want so badly to be rid of all this loneliness, this distance from people, and just be happy, but how come i just can't. i. just. can't. i hate it that i have to pretend to be hapy or that when people ask me 'are you okay', those 3 words can trigger a whole myriad of emotions. but yet, i would say 'i'm okay' when deep down i know i am not. and i am not even close to being okay. i just want my old life back, i want all my friends back. but everyones moving on and i am stuck behind trying to make sense of it all.they say i have dance to make itgo away. yeah, i do. but the euphoria lasts for only a short period of time, and then im back to square one. and trust me, when you dont see yourself improving and you try so hard to be good at something you arent, only to fail, there's not much joy in that. really.

i sound pathetic.

i should just go to bed, cos life wont be any better tomorrow when i wake up or any other day.

2006-12-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

i feel like i am in a bubble, and i dont really know what it's like to be around people anymore. i've been reading books at breakneck speed, knocking back lattes and people watching. it's so nice to sit on my own without having the need to feel awkward silences, should i be accompanied by anybody. i have my own thoughts and it's fun to play around with them. and i tell myself, maybe being alone isnt so bad after all. wouldnt be so bad after all.

and that scares me alot.

loneliness really does become me.

zouk-ed on wednesday with spencer and his army buddies. mambo-ed for the first part of the night but i obviously didnt fit it despite ashley's attempts to teach me all the moves. he'll be the next mambo king, watch out people!:) so i trotted off to phuture with jan and her friend(i cant remember her name now, but she's from vj) and well it was fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun and did i say fun? sans grimy boys trying to grind us from our behinds. i mean HONESTLY.

(over loud banging full on hiphop)
jan: WOAH YOU'RE DAMN GOOD WITH THE SONGS AND THE LYRICS!
jo: YOU KNOW HOW YOU SEE PEOPLE IN MAMBO GOING ON ALL HIGH AND LIKE KNOW THE WORDS TO EVERY DAMN SONG? WELL, THIS IS MY MAMBO. (cue: big fat grin)
-p.s.: the caps are for the emphasis on how loud i was screaming, i was positively deaf by the end of the night-

haha.

books aside, i have been relying on reruns of the latest season of america's next top model and CSI. i am totally loving antm. this season's girls are all pretty hot and i LOVE caridee's personality, reminds me of brittany from season 5. i love love love love a.j but she's out. dammit! as u can see, i have too much time in my hands to be doing things like these. but what the hell, i get by.

anyway, there's an update on my boring life. off to antm. toodles.

2006-11-25T03:57:00.000+08:00

so it's the end of another semester, a rather bad one if i could add. but ive gained some new insights, new friends, and lost some as well. now that i am done with the exams, i actually feel lonelier than i ever did before, and sometimes i think it's worse. while the exams was mind-numbingly shitty, having to face boring notes and miss out on all the fun, but at least i had a purpose to achieve at the end of the day, i had something to complete. but now. now, i just feel emptier, not knowing what to do with each day, with all the time i have in my hands. it's not as if i would have alot of to do with the end of the exams, because i am tired of calling my friends out and all of them rejecting me. i guess ive grown tired of all the rejection i have gotten. sometimes, i really feel like i have no real friends anymore. sad isn't it. 20 years old and a revelation that makes turning older even worse.

we're all growing up in our own peculiar ways, and i miss the times when i had some sort of certainty in my life. i catch up with my friends through reading their blogs (it's pathetic i know, i dont even get to catch up with anyone face to face), and i realise that everyone of us has changed. some are getting married, some have graduated, some have a life that i wished i had or was a part of their happiness. but yet, i dont know if i am happy, sad or numb. i guess on some level, i am hoping things to remain unchanged, and that i could stop all the time in the world, and get to know everything about everyone before things start to get crazy and befoer they unravel so fast through just the sight of some words, videos, photos and songs. but i cant be selfish. cos the world waits for no one. so if anyone is reading, hey, look at me, i am free and willing to talk. i sound desperate, but i am desperate to feel alive once again.

i am on a mission to complete lots and lots of books this holidays cos i wanna start writing again and well ive gotta draw inspiration from somewhere. i started owen slot's this finishing line today and im almost done with it. it's a refreshing read, seeing love through the eyes of a male. it's different from the usual hard core feminist reads i usually indulge in which ironically ends up with them living happily ever after.this never happens in reality. but i still read them anyway, just so i can comfort myself that i will mebbe one day find someone. god, i am sad.

ah well, it's 4am and i shld turn in. today hasnt been good, and i dont know why.

loneliness has become my soulmate, i have come to realise and live with. everyone is busy and has no time for me. it's boyfriends, activities, or a life more exciting than mine that has gotten the better of my time with people, and hence, i am now retreated away from my phone, the world and to the better of books and a huge cup of latte. let me go walk places where i am just a face without a name.

such an emo post, but whatever, like anyone really reads this.

2006-11-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

while i was supposed to study 224, i chose to blog instead. just a note: maryann called me a smart girl. i thought that's incredibly funny.
ONE MORE DAY.
i love u maryann! :)

2006-11-14T01:22:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what i can do to make her feel better but i dont/ i tried. but i think i didnt do good. i really hope that someday you'll realise that we're all here for you. cos i see the old me in you and i know how painful it feels. i feel the hurt, even when i see u lose faith, like how i lost mine. hang on, hang on.

step up IS awesome. channing tatum is HOT. sigh, he's my perfect man. i hope i meet someone like that in reality. but hey. DARE TO DREAM!:)
exams are in 3 days. and i am so gonna not do well for 201. sigh. whatever, it is making me depressed. i just wanna dance, explains why ive been picking going for dance over studying. but hey how much can i do in 2 hours? id rather dance and feel all high and happy, then face the depressing notes later. plus ive got alot of work to do, dance wise. and step up is my new inspiration!:)

my brother is swell. i want that red ipod nano u promised:) thank you very much. haha. he brought me to go watch step up and we walked around vivo trying to look for him a suit. although everything is ridiculously expensively. talking about shopping, i wanna shop. so materialistic right? but hey, what's a girl gotta do? my mom is going to let me buy my air force ones. HOORAH. and i went shopping with mah girls at zara today and bought me a new top, of which maryann claims that the girl on the shirt looks like me. hmm it's the hair im telling u.

sigh i dont wanna study, so im escaping the reality of it. i really hate to mug. and im scared. sigh, shall go sleep and dream about the better things in life. like my new shoes and more clothes:)and of dance, DUH.

2006-11-06T03:05:00.000+08:00

i'm pespiring from dancing in my room at 3am in the morning. it just goes to show that when you love something, you just don't really care anymore and you just wanna do ya thang baby! or perhaps it's the fact that i have been putting this p.diddy song on repeat for the past half an hour or so. god, it just makes you want to move and well, coincidentally, the song is called 'wanna move'. haha. no surprises there i suppose!
my freestyle is getting better, i actually look quite good dancing! hahaha NO shit man. so i cant really master the art of c-walking, but at least i can wack and krump QUITE decently. even then, under all that dark lights in a club, who can tell. haha. make way people, i am ready to take on the clubs again! that is, until the sodding exams are over. piss.
the other reason why i look quite decent while freestyling is because i just cut my hair and it looks all wispy and shit, so when i flip my head, the hair flies too, making it look rather nice. haha what image am i painting in your head? perhaps of a crazed woman doing some hard-core head banging. but nope, that's not what i meant. if u wanna know, take me to dancing!:)
yes, i cut my hair. not that it's very short anything, but it's alot more layered and i got bangs! i havent had bangs since jc. so i feel a bit weird looking at myself, and i look pretty much like a 12 year old girl. then again, i like the changes. it feels good to have something different when your life is so boring and mundane. mmmm.
im very proud of myself today, i went for dance. yeap, managed to drag my sorry ass outta bed at 7am in the morning (despite having slept at 4am) and went to the gym before hitting the dancefloor. 2 hours of dance, just enough to satisfy my withdrawal symptoms for having missed dance 2 weeks in a row. and today's class was so fun, and what can i say, i love dance. saw the new scholars today, i shall be ambitious and mebbe hope to try out for scholars one day. until then, nothing can keep me away from dancing my heart out. so what if i suffered bruises on my bum, on my knees (damn all that floor work!) and generally, gave my heart a very very massive and INTENSED cardio workout. it felt nothing less than amazing.
so today was gym, dance, and new hair day. yay for me! i did do a little studying, but god i hate 201. makes me depressed. so i watched prison break instead. which is amazing as always. god, THIS is what good tv is made of. plus wentworth miller is totally yummylicious. slurps
i had a very interesting talk with my dad in the car today about finding that special someone. it never occurred to me that i could actually talk to him about stuff like this, because i go to my mom most of the time. but he really is quite right about things. and he made me realise that perhaps there really isnt someone special out there. it all counts on me to make it work. things dont just happen. and till i find someone who can be my best friend and a lover, i dont think ill ever settle down with any other man. because i realised that for the other party, it has to be the same too. the amount of commitment that one puts in isnt enough, but it really takes 2 to tango. so why should i torture myself and fret over the relationship. if he isnt doing the same, then it's pointless.
i shant depress anyone else or myself. instead, today i am happy. and i will go to bed now (having cooled down typing this) , smiling. very sweetly.
or maybe after this song finishes. hahahaha!yes, it is STILL on repeat.

music: p. diddy feat. bad boi, ciara and scar- wanna move

2006-11-03T03:54:00.000+08:00

it's been an insane week of ga3, and projects. but all has ended. ive been surviving on very little sleep, and my eyebags are doing me in. i am tired, but i guess so is everyone else. good news is i got an A for ga3, so i guess all those endless nights before the computer screen, was worth all the while. next up, the big E. the all ever depressing exams. i am only hoping for a 3.75 gpa this sem, although it seems pretty far-fetched. please god, please. i promise really, this time i'll be good, i promise.
sigh.
ive been relying on endless re runs of friends and god, i love this show. i cannot believe they ended it! it's like the only thing in my life that is GOOD. apart from dance. but ive missed dance for 2 weeks, so hey, what's a girl to do yeah. someone buy me sex and the city!: ( BRA, this is a big big hint to u from the land down under:). haha.
woah it's another night of 4am. i really need to sleep early for one day.
step up's opening in singapore this coming thurs! excited? u bet. channing tantum is pretty hot, or according to Yos, he is damn hot. but he's alright:) he can dance, now that's what i like. jenna dewan is hot though, mmm. haha. yos go watch with me!!!!:(
i saw a cute guy at the gym today!! finally, going to gym has paid off. hello u hall 7 fella, come more and so i can keep gawking, without being too obvious of course. haha.
sigh, how tragic. ntu is filled with loadsa cheena speaking losers, unfortunate. no fair. no fair i say again.
so well, that's about it.i dont wanna spend new year's in singapore because mary isnt here this time around. and well new year's never fun without her. so mebbe i should go to L.A. at the end of the year, or san diego but sometimes i think bangkok will suffice. at least ill be legal to enter clubs now! unlike the last time. should i work? mebbe i shld intern at juice. juice is looking for writers!! hooorah.
ah well. exams first, enjoy later. so good night world, sleep......... is my friend.

2006-10-27T03:33:00.000+08:00

today i discovered a pimple on my forehead, somewhere in between, and i kept touching it, and it hurts now, could it be cancerous? (just something random, nothing special. hmm.)

i love itunes(yes i finally got round to using itunes and well it rocks nothing less) yay for itunes! im reviewing all my old stash's of emo, and indie rock. and it's really just..simply awesome.:)

my eyes are going wonky from ga3-ing too much but im so afraid i will fail or that i would not be able to finish on time. i still have 2 more essays to do for 224. god forbid, please let the 2nd of Nov past smoothly. i promise ill be good.

sometimes i dont know if i know all of my friends through and through. i think i do on some levels, but i guess you can never really understand someone. there's always a part of them we'll never know. why is that? i wished i knew. i hope you're better babe.

i finished reading 'engaging men' by lynda curyn. not a bad book after all, although i must say her book following this particular one was sorely disappointing. i guess why i liked this book so much was the fact that the main character was alot like me(sans the lack of career).and it makes me wonder whether god made some people to be non marriage material?ie. yours truly. then again, im 20, it's too early to say anything. or is it? yos says she can imagine me owning my own fashion boutique, living comfortably and having no commitments to whoever. i was slightly thrilled by that thought, for she really understands me. i guess she;s right on some levels, i do see myself settling alone in my own apartment, with an independence i fought for. and a life i built on my own. my, ive grown. i pictured myself with someone before, but look how that turned out. i guess we were really destined from the start, and i was made to be alone. i guess alone's not so bad, cos i have yossie baby! and dance, and plenty of books as such. i still cry every time i watch 'garden state' and when i hear iron and wine's such great heights. i still laugh at chandler's sarcasm everytime i put friends on. and i still smile at all that you once gave me. thank you for letting me grow. now's the time for me to be on my own. am i happy? now, that's the essential question i avoid. i could be if i wanted to, but if i needed to try, then that wouldnt be considered being happy right? woah late nights really plays mind games with your messed up mind.

moving along...
this is a tribute to lenny darling
"Fashionistas make the biggest fag hags. We herd the guys with the Flock of Seagulls haircuts. Our favourite designers are men who love men but adore women. After all, where would Amanda Harlech (a.ka. Lady Harlech), who was the muse of Karl Lagerfeld (damn, that woman must have the sickest wardrobe), be without Galliano?And what about Carine Roitfeld(editor of French Vogue) without Tom Ford? To fashionstas, gay men are vital accessories, an intrinsic part of our culture. They tell us the secrets to a man's mind- and take us dancing till all hours of the night (so what if they wind up ditching us at the bar to go home with a hunk in tight white Hanes tee?). They understand our style, crazy quirks, and neuroses, and know how to meet our emotional needs better than any boyfriend. Plus, they have no problem escorting us out when we have no date- and letting us know when it's time to put the fork at dinner("No more carbs for you, missy!")."--The Fashionista files by Melissa de la Cruz and Karen Robinovitz.
GOD i love this book, a must-read for every fashionista in you! now i sound like them, but it's hilarious. i am perpetually laughing as i sit on the bike in the gym while i read. :)fashion is my life,i live and breathe fashion. till i get a job that rakes in the big digits in my trust funds, so i can me those jimmy choos and helmut langs. my four-inch stilettos and leather handbags in every size possible. then ill be truly happy.
and i couldnt put it more aptly for a significant other that will be the following:
"- Get promoted. you're going to need to make more money to support her shopping habit. and don't even think of balking at price tags or saying something like "500 dollars for a pair of shoes?!"
- Cultivate your sense of humour and indulge her fashion fantasies. Never laugh at her outfits. Unforgivable."
and the best of all:
"- Maintain your good looks. Hit the gym and slather on the Rogaine. She didn't marry you because your balding and fat. "

i couldnt say it better.: )

2006-10-23T03:03:00.000+08:00

i happened to chance upon this girl's blog and i love it. i love how she adds little anecdotes, and i must say she is one big movie buff to be able to use all 'em quotes as part of ends. but hey what better way to end thoughts with something meaningful eh? i would to if only i was bothered enough to go search for them in the first place.
so go see --> http://www.whiteliliesisland.blogspot.com/!

i dont know why im blogging, here typing on this space when i absolutely have nothing to say. but i guess it's true, that in moments like these when you have nothing constructive you want to say that your heart weighs heavier than anything else, just because of that feeling of loneliness. but maybe we were all made to feel this way. alone.

upon a series of learning about people through no fault on my own, late night gossips and long phone calls, i can only say that the world is unfair and that's rather depressing. i feel deader nside than ive ever been, but yet it cant hurt me anymore. it's like a bubble that i am in, staring from the outside into me. and those around me. it isn't a pretty sight. but that's life isn't it?

so since i completely have nothing to say, let's do this!: )

1. My "ex" is still... somewhere in singapore, i guess. i havent spoken to him in ages and not that i plan to.
2. I am listening... to hip hop and more hip hop.
3. Maybe I should... start going for classes more often?
4. I love... to dance. to get sloshed. to kick it with my friends.
5. My best friend... is in the US and having a hell of a time without me:( boo!haha
6. I don't understand... how people can be so fucked up.and so is the rest of the world.
7. I lost... my will to care.
8. People say... i'm very short, which isnt half wrong. and alot of things, most of which arent true.
9. The meaning of my screen name is... i appreciate life a little more than just academia.thankyouverymuch.
10. Love is... fast feet and dancing like there's no tomorrow. oh and ed hardy too!
11. Somewhere, someone is... sleeping, at this hour. are u kidding me?
12. I will always... remember that day when he walked away.
13. Forever seems... so far away. hell im just living for the day!
14. I never ever want to... lose my friends,lose my ability to dance,lose my sight and to put on weight.
15. My cell phone is... perpetually dead, no one ever messages me. im unpopular, so what.
16. When I woke up this morning... i went back to sleep again.
17. I get annoyed... when people make promises and dont keep them, when ppl whine and with arrogant people.
18. Parties are... the life and blood of me, my favourite places to wild out and get sloshed.
19. My pet(s) are... he is dead, i miss him: (
20. Kisses are the best when... u know it won't lead up to something else.pure and untainted, meaningful and true.
21. Today I... made a new friend. and managed to catch up with all my friends: )
22. Tomorrow I will... start doing some constructive work.
23. I really want... to be big and famous one day, so i can buy me all em goodies baby!

now i'm done with random ramblings, i shall SLEEP. that thought sounds more comforting than whatever ive heard today. shudders. and tmrw is gym, french and vivo. in the words of yossie pang, VIVO ppower!:) hahahha, VIVO!

2006-10-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder if it's worth the time and effort to think and try to figure out if i can make anything better. sometimes i wonder if even if i told someone about the feelings that weigh me down, would it take it all away? it's funny to think that i can feel so easily bogged down by matters of the heart unknowingly and still try to make it on my own.
it's been an insane week of 226 and 224. but the madness hasn't ended and will not end till november the 1st, the last of my deadlines. a million and one things to do, but no motivation to begin. i'm trying to jumpstart my engine but it stalls all the time. and now it's thanks to the likes of ouran high school(the anime) and prison break and friends, of course.
i thank god that i have maryann and eunice in cs sometimes. because they are perhaps the only sane ones in school. everyone else is a hypocrite, with contrived smiles, condescending eyes, pseudo-americanised accents (like totally, like you know, like , like , like!) and superficiality that beeps at the outrageous zone. i wonder why do we bother to say hi, to smile at one another when we know it's a mutual feeling of dislikeness somewhat. the genuinely nice ppl are a rare breed and it only makes me lose faith in humanity minute by minute. and watching 'art school confidential' has only confirmed the fact that the human race deserves to be wiped out. god, how tragic. in any case, thank you maryann and eunice for being the nicest ppl i can find in cs, like honestly.
i cant wait for next sem to start, cos i only have to take 2 moduels from cs and my ges. AWESOME. im contemplating taking japanese, thanks to too much watching of ouran high. and ma, eu and i have decided to take this film appreciation module, exactly my kind of thing, plus it's non-examinable, so yay me! and im thinking of taking an art critque course, cos well i love art but i just never got a chance to learn about it. i pay good money to this damn school, so i better make the most out of my studies. and maybe a lit module. i love lit, i loveto read, and i love books (yes im a geek, sue me). thats the reason why i cant wait for next sem to start, no more horrible lecturers, no more technical shit to deal with, just pure love and interest for the fine arts and better:)
i shld get some sleep, falling sick from the haze and i only had 3 hours of sleep today. 224 presentation tomorrow, gonna talk about donald trump. do i near snores? i do.
need new laptop, mine sucks.will convince my parents to let me get a mac:) apart from all things unnecessary, im gonna order stuff from supre again:) rachie!!
mos tmrw, looking forward? a little. i mean alot.my feet craves some intensed movement. dance on tuesday was GREAT, but mj has stopped for the moment, till exams end. ugh, tragic. big fat tragedy.
okay, sleep beckons. nightynight.
and lenny, i love u no matter what. kiss. (see im so nice right!?)

2006-10-04T09:42:00.000+08:00

so here i am sitting in cs226 lecture. am utterly amazed that i managed to drag my ass out of bed for an 830 lecture. so yay me.: )
ive been meaning to blog about some things in my head, but i havent gotten the chance to. just because.
1) school work is piling up, datelines to meet and readings to be finished but im a big FAT procrastinator for most part of my life, so boo.
2) tired from dancing too much, with aching feet and thighs.
3) don't know if i should be saying what i want to say, in fear of being stalked by random people.
and, many others.

but since kaychin has so kindly given us a 10 minute break, i shall. do something apart from stoning and not doing anything substantial.

so.
as i was saying earlier, ive been thinking about god, and my faith alot recently. it's never been a major issue because i thought i was better off without a god to believe in, or have some guilt constantly harping at the back of my head. and i thought it would stay this way, you know, carpe diem, live for the moment and not think too much. but these days, the battle i am fighting is making me rather tired, and even if i wanted to kick back and not give two hoots about the things that i should be bothered about, i know me, and i know i cant do it. because im a control freak, in some manner. and i actually miss going to church, but when i think about bringing myself to go into church, i cant seem to bring myself to do it. because i am afraid of seeing people that will make me feel guilty about running away. i am afraid that if i start, i am expected to keep up with it. i am afraid that if i go, i might just lose it and break this numbness of a shell i am masked under. it was so easy not to care, i'm not so sure about that anymore.

Mary Ann says HELLOOOOOOO!(i stopped to talk to eu and maryann about our proj and she chose to do this and kaychin came up to me and told me not to panic, so that means i failed ga1. sigh but i guess i deserved it)

i am really hating school this sem. REALLY. sometimes quitting seems easy.

and i am really hating being a useless friend. by that, i mean, i hate losing my cool with my friends who seem go mia on me all the time and yet i shut up about it. because you know what, i just don't see why i need to put in effort when no one really gives a shit. okay, i will incite nasty comments or ill feelings, but i can't care anymore. i just sometimes wonder why do i even bother. maybe no one really cares.

yeah, whatever.

i should listen to kaychin now/

random notes: i need a hair cut. and i love postsecret.blogspot.com. i need to pee. and i have pins and needles. baa baa black sheep. poo.
must.have.vintage.tee.from.num. ( i will fork out 50 bucks. WILL);)
want nike air force ones!-feet, lonely. poo.

2006-09-26T02:56:00.000+08:00

birthday bash at dbl o was awesome, albeit a tad crazy. damn those flashing lights. was so smashed by the end of the night, only to wake up the next day at 5pm with a headache from hell. but good times man, good times. till the next birthday, cheers: )
getting trashed on your birthday are always funny stories to come. plus it incited dong ni and james to get me an ashtray with the picture of someone puking over a toilet bowl after bottles and bottles of alcohol. see, good times man. haha.

been dancing a lot lately, going for classes almost 3 times a week. and man it feels good. i guess life isnt all fluff and sugar, candy floss and pink. but you know, you make the best out of a bad situation.

so. i caught overdrive, and it was friggin amazing. i hope i can dance like that one day. anyone care to join me for the finals?:) wade robson's gonna be there!!! YUMMY.

it's crazy the way i finally i understand how i feel about dance. it's as though i never lost it. from the days of adrenaline (whom i miss dearly, every single one of them) to music fest in vj..i realised dance was never out of my life. i just didnt pursue it because i feared not being good enough. and when proven right, i ran away from it. but i took it back up again cos i missed it so much and i finally finally improved. it feels so good to finally see your hard work pay off at the end of the day you know. so i told yos that i finally know what it feels like to be doing something u actually care about and even if you are not the best at it, you push yourself to be better. and then you finally feel alive again. this, is the reason why i can breathe easier each day. cos dance has become my life, and the very air that i breathe (very melodramatic, but thats really how i feel)so glad i have yos to go crazy about dance with, if not id just be another loser in dance classes. hahahahah. ZOUK BABYGIRL!!!:)

now, it's time to learn the c walk, krumping, wacking and milking. and start talking more in hiphop lingo, just so i can catch up and understand what the hell patrick is talking about.
james is getting better at it. you know, i feel you man brother. i feel ya. peace. (hahahahhaha shit, that's DOPE)

oh.my.god.

cant wait for dance tmrw and on weddddd baby!

2006-09-21T14:33:00.000+08:00

jo
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
Jojojojojojojojo i NEVER thought i would be this close to you before buttered popcorn. But amazingly, it seems that we had pretty much not noticed each other since year one till like march2004, and then become liddat! the wonders of group. x)
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
Run the army half marathon next year (you'll love it i promise. muahahaha)
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
Black. coz you had black nails in school! and you are a dark mysterious girl who goes clubbing in dark mysterious places. muahaha.. i make you sound like a ktv hostess.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
I love how you actually eat real food now! and also how i can totally confide in you and you wont tell anyone else.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
Oh, you were like part of the TK gang! You were the quiet TKSS girl, who freaked us all out by doing a screamy, blood-filled, teddy-bear year one mono.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
Do you think that eventually you will marry and have children?

Jo
1. she can club come what may!?
2. go to school with ratty jeans and vj pe shirt for one day. muahaha
3. gold. bling-bling-blind.
4. i like your on-the-go-ness and energy!
5. you were nicole's tkss friend. the quiet one who sat with loser seah after school eating lunch in your little world. always taking the 2 seater in vj canteen so nobody could join you two?! i faint.
6. strangely, an owl.
7. which part would you like to plastic surgery, if any?

the first half is by lenny, 2nd by chris. OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU GUYS. MUAH:)

2006-09-19T10:08:00.000+08:00

because everyone was doing one, and i so shamelessly asked for ppl to 'do me' i shall do others too: )

1. I'll respond with random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.

christine:
1. i think you have nice tee shirts and it's funny how you and i only got to know each other much better after jc.
2. try walking properly and by that i mean, like a girl. PLEASE.
3. i dont know...grey? earthy colours for some reason. you dont appear to be very loud to me.
4. i like that you are easy going and everytime we hang out, it's so fun and filled with much laughter!
5. er when we were in first 3 months and were juniors for vic's group. god THAT was an experience.
6. erm.......lioness. for some reason. everyone look out, christine's not to be trifled with!
7. how is it that you manage to stay so close to god after all this time?

lenny:
1. your bitchiness is contagious, nuff said.
2. go and do theatre for a living. because i think you are brilliant.
3. purple. for obvious reasons.
4. i love it that when i am with you, i dont feel judged no matter how much of a horrible person i can be at times. and that when i am with you, i am constantly assured that im loved. i love it that we can bitch yet talk about real things altogether. i really dont know what i would do without you.
5. i remembered you had alot of white hair and your fling with nicole.hahahahhaahahha.
6. animal? sheeesh. i dont know, snake? dont ask me why.
7. why you always mia suddenly and then pop back again into our lives???? DON'T!

Yunnie:
1. you're possibly the only person from vj whom i still see on a regular basis and hear from.
2. be confident of yourself even if you were in a place full of hot people, know that you are beautiful as well.
3. yellow, how can i not know this one. possibly gold but that's because WE love gold.:)
4. where do i even begin? i love you for having stuck by me through so much, right from the days of jonny till malcolm. there's so much history between us from studying partners to being clubbing buddies. you allow me to crash KR 24-7 and you're always only a phone call away. and you're possibly the only person whom i can talkabout anything and everything. so thank you there:)
5.i remembered you right from our tk gang days man. that's more than enough.
6.eh...i dont know. dog?u like dogs?
7. i get to talk to you almost everyday..or at least try to. so i guess, so same old, how's you man?

Mary:
1. your impossibly short hair and your fear of yours truly. hahah. in sec 2. god.
2. to go for your dreams and do them before its too late, dont worry so much about the moolah, although i know that's tough.
3. black, cos i dont remember you being in any other colours. i mean your nails were perpetually black.
4. this is even tougher for me to say. i miss you like hell and i dont know what id do without you in my life. if you went missing, id hunt you down and kill you for abandoning me. for everything, i love it that we can still email and talk even though we are miles apart. and everytime we do, it always feel the same, close as sisters. you stood by me through so much, from dance competitions in secondary school to junior college days of clubbing and such. i cannot even begin to tell u how much you mean to me. really.
5. i remembered you because you were scared of me dude!
6. specifically merlin!:)
7. WHAT IS UP WITH YOU GIRL? ARE YOU COMING HOME???? COME HOME!!!

okay, so that's pretty much it. i shall do others when i have more time.

moving on...
ill be 20 in 2 days. so because im shallow and materialistic(come on who isnt?), i shall have a list of i-wants this birthday.

(in order of desirability)
1. a macbook
2. ipod video
3. dance sneakers, preferably from puma
4. an ed hardy bomber jacket
5. GUESS jeans
6. Guess handbag
7. smocked tube dress from Victoria's secret
8. vintage tees from NUM
9. NUM sandals
10. waisted beltsssss
11. suspenders
12. hair curling treatment
13. m.a.c. concealer
14. actually everything from mac
15. sex and the city season box sets

when i figure out more things i want, i shall continue my list. till then,if you are my good friend, and feeling generous, i am more than happy to receive some of the above:) (note: its OBVIOUS what i want most right???) hahahah

note: ill be celebrating my birthday at dbl o on thursday, so come party ppl! u know you want to:) LOVE.
elke dear, i still party on wednesdays but these days im pretty busy. come on thursday with me?if not ill go with you next week k? study hard and i miss you:)

2006-09-11T03:25:00.000+08:00

there is a stillness in today's night, a gripping aura that is strangling me, with the very temptation of wanting to hear your voice again. it's those cursed dreams that haunt me in the night and so i stay up, hoping that those dreams could be real, and not be woken up to nothing but a faded memory of how you felt real once. and that was while i was sleeping
.

i cannot breathe
.

But nobody wants to hear this tale
The plot is cliched, the jokes are stale
And baby we've all heard it all before
Oh i could get specific but
Nobody needs a catalog
With details of love I can't sell anymore--
Aimee mann "Invisible Ink"

why have i become like this? i feel numb and hollow. and i am no longer capable of feeling. of knowing what it's like to be loved and to love (i know it's cliched, but when ure in my shoes, it feels like a black nymph growing on the back of your head and its waiting to swallow the rest of u up till ure covered with nothing but blackness, clumpy and dirty on the inside and out.)

i feared, it'd come to this.

goodnight nobody.

2006-09-07T02:21:00.000+08:00

finally got round to ordering stuff from supre. so in 2 weeks ill have a new dress coming in! that's yay for me. im geting back into the swing of ordering stuff online because i hardly have the time to go out and shop, and besides im on the other side of the world, it's very hard to get to town without the temptation of holding my hand out and surrendering to the temptation of taking a cab. (i just realised i lost my black skirt! the one i wear to clubbing all the time, UGHHH, time to find new micro mini skirt but i loved that skirt, because it fit me perfectly due to my vertically challenged self!UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

anyway, i think ive put on a bit weight. (sorry this is gonna become really superficial) or at least i think so..although my clothes still fit me the same, but i feel..fat. maybe because when im in dance im constantly surrounded by beautiful bodies, and by that i mean girls who are skinny to their bones. it's tragic really. sigh. never mind, i shall continue to gym and hopefully these blubbers will magically *poof*

moving on, ive been having dance almost daily. for papa, for mj and for myself. the bit for papa is shaping up, although very slowly. im no contemporary dancer, i dont know squat about ballet and it's not my thing at all, but the dancers are fun girls and dancing with them makes it all the more bearable. although, i must say it is very stressful to keep my lines straight, my posture upright and not break my squares (i know this sounds like gibberish but they really matter in contemporary dance! SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?) and MJ is just awesome fun. i am getting a bit better in terms of grasping steps, just need to be sharper and put in more energy. but ive made new friends there and they're all so nice. they're coming to MOS with me tomorrow, so we can do all of our shit and dance like no one cares. : ) as for dance at jitterbugs, it's getting better, although advanced classes are harder these days, but i am gonna try. i think it's because i dont get enough sleep on mondays and tuesdays i have an entire day of lessons, it's hard to concentrate, but i shall not give up!

so that's that.

work is piling up, and im starting to feel bogged down by it. i want so much for it to end, but it's only just begun. i somehow feel like quitting school all of a sudden, because the pressure is too much to take. but i know i cant give up now that ive come this far. and with all of this work, i feel like i hardly have the time to think about things. yet at the same time, i feel like im becoming stupid by the minute, i dont know why. i havent had anything substantial to back me up, and i feel empty and hollow most of the time in school. it's really depressing somehow. like in 201, i am sleepy and zoning out most of the time. i hardly go for 226 lectures because i..have dance the night before and by the time im in lalaland, it's time to get up to go for classes. as for 203, no matter what i do, i dont seem to be good enough for her. 224 is a pain in the ass cos i absolutely hate my lecturer. 816 is a JOKE cos im already going to s/u the stupid module (that's how much i hate it, WHY on earth did they make it compulsory?!) and french is getting very very hard. most of the times im lost and pretty much relying on filza for answers. THIS HONESTLY SUCKS. everything sucks. school sucks. i hate school. it's seem to lost its once before oh-woah-this-course-is-so-cool thing for me. i am tired of the faces i see in school, tired of being alone, tired of pushing myself anymore. i just want to kick back and read books, critique films, drink coffee, laze around by the pool, discuss about literature, fashion, life and the works. and not give a shit about communication theories, how to find fucking information in the library, interpersonal communication. i do wanna learn how to write proper articles in 203, but my professor is a bitch from hell and is killing my interest completely. i feel like i cant even breathe in her classes.

that's rant for u.

what else.

oh jas is leaving in exactly 25 hours? about there. and ive already told her ill miss her but ill say it again here, I'LL MISS YOU!!! like really. no one to gossip with, no one to hang out wit till like 3 in the morning, no one to party with..sigh, depressing. but i hope i can see u during winter break? NEW YORK BABY!:)

so.....this is all i have to say for tonight, this morning, whatever.
my body clock is still screwed because i dont have much care to tune it back to the normal.
i still hate boys and i have no one to talk to. so..this entry is completely shallow and boring. not to mention useless and uncalled for. that is all. good night.

sleep.
love.
jo.

2006-09-04T02:09:00.000+08:00

sometimes you need a little time alone. in the quietness of your own breathing, to get back to earth, to appreciate the nature of things, the outcomes and where you really stand in this world. and that is how i like to spend my sundays. with a book, coffee and good music.

yesterday was a day spent with 6 beautiful people, an outing with the devil wears prada, coffee, cheescake, bagels and lots of bitching and hyena laughter, cued together. it was so good, under the dim moonlight and the night. i love all of you guys, we'll miss you jas. yay for buttered popcorn:) and kisses for all of you. LOVE.

sometimes i really wonder if i should make the first move, but why are men such scum. and i dont even feel sorry that i made such a statement. because even the good ones turn out to be utter SHIT. fuck.

never mind, i shall not feel sorry for myself.

for like all girls:

i have trashy novels, coffee, dvds(good and bad), and dance to get me by. the last being like a form of catharsis at its very truest. till im sweating like a pig, but DAMN, it feels so good.

everyone's leaving, leaving me alone again. tragic.

(But)I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you --i'm not missing you.

quote of the day: i'm on this new diet, i starve myself all day and when i feel like fainting, i eat only a cube of cheese.
HAHAHAHAH.

2006-08-26T15:48:00.000+08:00

you know you really love to dance when you don't care who's looking, what's going on around you, or be bothered to check the crowd out when your feet is moving at such rapid rhythms to that of someone else's and you both keep smiling at each other, slapping high fives and pespiring like dogs on the dancefloor. because, you both love to boogie. : ) and this goes out to yossie baby and nigel. do you only wanna dance? HELL YEAH.

sometimes i think partying at clubs is not so much a social activity to know new people, but to really bond with your friends through the movement of your feet and to get all excited when your favourite songs come on. the getting to know ppl bit is just an added advantage. i honestly hate people who just go to clubs to just pick up chicks or to hook up with some guy. that's just friggin shallow. and when you sweat it out on the dancefloor, the aftermath of everything is like a high that makes you go to bed smiling, cos it was a good night. a good night.

yos has left for japan and i miss her like shit. we were both complaining over msn conversations and such, how we'd miss each other like hell. damn gay, but if only she was a guy la. then itd be perfect:) hahahhaha.

on another note, i went for my first MJ session. damn stressful but so god damn fun. dance is the air that i breathe. i honestly truly believe in that now. i could never do without it in my life at all.

it's all over between you and i now. i have learnt to be okay with it. and i dont think u have much to say about it. because i guess you never really cared much about me after all. and i dont need that from you.

2006-08-21T03:36:00.000+08:00

im just here to let everyone know that i got into mj baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)
for those who dont know, mj stands for modern jazz, this hip hop dance crew in my school. they're really good dancers(sure as hell they are, mel is in it haha) and probably the only redeeming factor of ntu. i cant wait to start.
and no lenny im not with anyone, single as any lonesome self can be. so self;pitying right.
sometimes, i wonder why i bother to please everyone or anyone, when really honestly no one appreciates a fuck outta it.
i wished we could talk like we used to.
i dont know why im feeling this way.
and im typing randomly.
thanks yos for listening to me, and talking to me. sometimes, the ppl whom you grow distant with, can actually turn out to be your best listener. do it sometimes. try to remember who your friends are. and appreciate them.
-- i think im being pissy because im messed up.
like this show, happy endings. awesome movie, despite its sick twisted plot. but oh my god, such a good show. lisa kudrow is a genius i tell you.
whatever, im going to sleep
it's nearly 4.
and i saw this old couple at the pool today and they were laughing, playfully. that's the kinda love i want. those that never die.

why bother. why bother. that's all i have in my head.

and i still cant believe i got into MJ, damn hard to get in one can? i knew one day my love for dance would bring me somewhere. so im one step closer.:)
till tuesday

2006-08-18T05:33:00.000+08:00

i have been to zouk 2 nights in a row. talk about living it up. i had my first flaming lambo today and it was awesome. the alcohol just kicked right in and i was soo soo high. and i love yos. she parties wit me, dances with me till 4am in the morning and tells me she loves me too. :) now that is true love.
dance is getting better day by day, and i can feel my feet moving even when im in lectures and im just sitting down. it's an integral part of me, like it's what i am made of, and i love it. i love it so much, id much rather have a relationship with it than with anyone/anything else.
this is exactly how my life should be.
i have grown tired of disappointments, of losing friends, of putting in effort to make things work and then have it all lost at the end. i am living for the moment, like carpe diem. id rather have ppl who truly love me, to love me like i deserved. and i will not let you or anyone else tell me otherwise. i have come this far to know i deserve what i have right now. i know ppl ask how can i be so noncholant about stuff, to not give a damn about anything. and i tell them very simply, just like this. snaps finger. because it's all so easy to get too worked up and upset, when really, all i have to do is, snap finger, and take the back seat. and guess what, it's easier this way.
i miss alot of ppl. like bra for instance. but i know he misses me too
i miss yunnie. but i know she has shit to handle, and i wont press for time.
i miss some ppl whom i am inclined to mention but i will not just because. but i know he will come to his senses one day.
but it's okay, i have stuff to do, more ppl to know and much better days to come.
i realise i no longer have difficulties making new friends, no longer that aloof girl who stood at the corner and pissed every one off. now i go around, high and saying hi to all in the club. because well, life's too short to miss out on pretty ppl. now, that, i can come on board with.
:)
so all in all, to sum up, i am new.
new and so raring to go baby.
yossieeeee i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!muah
hahahahah
- dance auditions went very well today. i am happy.
- zouk had such a big dance floor today and i danced my heart out. literally. i am happy.
- i saw him. i am happy.
- darryl told me he liked me(and i did like him too for awhile), but he has a gf now of which they are having probs i have learnt. (wth i know, but!) i am happy.
- i saw summieeeee and prrriiii my lovely babies. i am happy
- i only wanna dance, really.
for that makes me very very very very very happy.

2006-08-14T21:14:00.001+08:00

so FUCKING tired. and am very cheesed off at the current moment.
JUSTSOFUCKINGTIREDYOUKNOWREALLYJUSTSOTIRED.

2006-08-12T20:54:00.000+08:00

the cranberries- linger
If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn,don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But I'm missing you
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger, ah
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
But I'm missing you
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger, ah
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger
[SHORT INSTRUMENTAL]
But I'm missing you
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger, ah
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger, ah
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger

so everyone's watched click and knows the meaning of this song. but it means so much and more to me, maybe because it plays out such a significant message that i can identify with and the lyrics, far too apt for me. i guess there's always a part of me that can never entirely let go of what it meant between u and i. the look i caught that i suspect meant truth and all that i want, but maybe i mistook it all. it was just a summer fling, and summer's ended.
so have we?

i am not liking school one bit, and that is not a good way to kick start this sem. i am still partying too hard, ignoring the seriousness of what i should be and being too caught up with havin fun. and when all the fun dies down, and boils to a time like this now, where i am in my own room doing nothing but waiting for my time to go home, i shelf the responsibilities, the things that float in my head, of all that that bothers me, away, to collect dust and i just want not to think any longer. it's tiring to begin with and all i want is some vodka, and drink all of it away.

so i got off my ass and changed my layout. it was due. i am kinda like this new one i have, very arty-farty and i guess i am a bohemian by nature. i like feeling free, like phoebe in friends, and not being confined by anything, anyone.

tilll then, i am off to read some.

2006-08-07T20:48:00.000+08:00

so the summer's ended and i start school tomorrow, which i am dreading with every ounce of dread i can conjure up in me. i will really miss the 4ams in town with jasmine, over fags and coffee, the partying and drinking, the kissing and laughing, the dancing and shopping, the phone calls and internet conversations. hell, i might even miss the stinky wireless connection i have at home. ill really miss it all. and i miss..you.

i really wanna say the things that i think about, the feelings i have in me right now, but im afraid i cant. cos i dont know how to put it in words, mebbe it's all too inadequate for me to put down at the same time. why do you do to me the things that you do, or dont do and keep pulling me back and forth, back and forth. (sidetrack: the phrase 'back and forth' reminds me alot about this show that i watched with jas on fri called 'me and you and everyone we know'. awesome funny touching movie, go watch!) dont do this, it's too hard and i hate getting emo on something that doesnt seem to mean much to you anyway. you've had me at hello. you had me at hello. you did it alright. well done.

for this whole summer, i seem to have lost touch with who i ought to be, and my morals i would say. but like flower says, you ought to be living and it's time to just fuck it. yeah, so i guess i could be alright living this way. cos it's so hard to care, so hard to bother when you're having so much fun. and i am having fun. maybe it's the wrong kinda fun, but it's still fun right? and i breathe easier these days, i get through each day easier and life seems to be finally, finally headed in the way it ought to be. so why do i feel that sometimes ppl can be so judgmental, then again i guess on some level, i am judging myself too. but a part of me is just telling the other half to chill out and just go with the flow. i think im made to be that way. u know, chill. haha.

okay, so bangkok was FUCKING amazing. 'nuff said.:)

and i love spontaneity. jas is probably the only person who can be that spontaneous with me. like yesterday, we decided to go to the night safari in a matter of 2 minutes. isnt it amazing? and i pierced my eyebrows and she pierced her belly button in a matter of half an hour. chop chop. SHIOK la! sigh. im going to miss this girl.

soooooooooooooooooo..after all said and done, i still miss you. FUCK.

2006-07-11T03:30:00.000+08:00

so the world cup has ended and italy emerged the champs. sorry to all italian fans, but im not the least bit pleased about it. because, i hate italians. and i wish all of them DEAD. they're rude, uncouth and very impolite. and as a person who regards courtesy and respect as one of the most important and cardinal rule when it comes to dealing with people, i would say, die, die, die.

these days havent been easy. i constantly waver between the two emotions of being extremely happy and extremely depressed. it's very tiring on my soul and on my heart. i really don't know why. i hate to be played the way im being played, and yet still keep drawing myself closer and closer to something that maybe i wasnt meant to have at all. i mean come on, it's me. and it's. this. i am confused as a duck (i cant explain the analogy) and i wished i could do something about it. i am losing reason and space, time is also running out and i feel like im being pressed to do something. what? i dont know.

tonight, or this morning, i feel like talking.

and yet there isnt anything for me to say, or anyone for me to talk to. this is so god damn depressing.

everyone's grown up, growing up and more. friends are getting married, friends from overseas are back and im, getting beer and peanuts for men. the sad thing is that i dont seem to mind my total lack of concern. this summer i had too much fun and too little time to care. which is no good. cos ultimately i have to GET some things done. yet i dont want to. how else should i live, should i go on this road? should i live the right life. and by that i mean sleeping at sane hours and waking up in the day? instead of trawling the streets at night and sleeping in the day. and by that i too mean to be acting all prim and proper, doing the regular things, rather than be flighty and happy, laughing at every single damn thing and other random things which i will not speak of here.

im losing faith and faith has lost me.

this is no good.

see i told u i hate 3am-s.

but on happier things, moving on. i had my hair coloured and now i look like jean gray, but the less hotter version of course. ooh yay. plus everyone has to watch c.r.a.z.y. it's a bloody ass good movie, marc andre grondin aside(that i can leave for another day, but he is just totally sex god material). i felt all warm and fuzzy inside after that movie, that doesnt happen everyday.
i like to be with people who can understand what you are talking about and not look at you judgementally now.
and happier things would mean: I GOT MY PAY CHECK. i slogged my asss off for it, so i sure as hell can spend it in anyway i want, so you who have comments, shut up. i cant wait. BANGKOK BABY!!!!my guess bag, eyebrow piercing once again and more online shopping, and bloody ear-rings. HOORAH FOR ME. shopping is pretty the only activity im good at, but i sure as hell love it. haha.

to quit or not to quit is the question now

things change, people change but i dont want to change. i scared myself with change, and now ive changed.

2006-07-02T07:25:00.000+08:00

after working at barcelona for some time, ive come to learn some things about people, singaporeans for that matter.
and ive learnt that
1)singaporeans like to use ashtrays to deposit half eaten chicken bones into them and make a mess outta of the whole table.
2)they eat like they have holes in their mouth
3)they stare at you like you're an alien when you try to laugh and make small talk with them(which make subsequent trips back to their tables short and curt, you like that now dont you?)
4)they like to litter even though the rubbish bin is just a hand reach away
5)couples like to make out,GET A ROOM.
6)bad pick up lines (me: hi what can i get for you? customer: i would like to have you) WHAT?!

mebbe im just too god damn critical to stay in this job, i seem to have alot of opinions on people now. but then again, it's fun, and i have met some great ppl on the job. work politics aside, im having a great time.: ) yay for me!
in other things, and i havent written properly for a long long time. sigh. need to read and catch up, and i desperately need to catch some sun. it's 7.37 am, and i got home an hour ago from my shift. sigh, NEED.TO.SLEEP.HEAD.IN.PAIN.

2006-06-28T04:34:00.000+08:00

i feel really drained for some reason. i guess early mornings are never a good time for me. cos some strange emotion seems to catch hold of me, and my breath. and at times, it gets too hard to breathe.

im tired of your shouting, your disapproving looks. it's just so tiring inside dad and mom, it really is. i am so tired. will you please stop?

the person i want doesnt want me back.

god, help me. as i sink further and further into this hole i seem to have dug for myself.

i am typing in spurts because my thoughts are incoherent. and i seem to have lost all will to piece them back together. i blow past them like they dont exist, i bury them under everything else that i do everyday and as i keep snowballing, it gets... bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier with each passing day.

i thought i was over this.

but you made me sad again.

and alot of things, else and otherwise.

i will stop now, for fear of being judged by people who dont know me and will probably never know me. in the way im supposed to be known. just me.

2006-06-22T04:40:00.000+08:00

i sure as hell am bad at keeping up with this blogging thing. i go through phases i realise, or perhaps im just too god damn tired every night and i feel like i really have nothing much to say since im, well, just have no emotional baggage to unload.

but work has been awesome fun, although it gets mundane sometimes. and there are certain ppl i get annoyed with and shit. but well, that's life for you. so i say just suck it up and finish it. plus, i get MOOLAH! :) now that's what makes jo a happy girl, loadsa moolah and SHOPPING. yay

but honestly, the world cup is just a big overrated hype. and sometimes i feel like girls who go with their boyfriends to watch these matches are just trying too damn hard. i mean, honestly, do you get jackshit about the game? if your boyfriend wants to hang out with his guy friends for beer and soccer, let him. while you go out and have fun with your girlies. dont just sit around and appear interested, or make my life miserable by demanding for more drinks and food. your screams when the ball almost touches the net is fake as hell, and we can tell. HAH

aiya my blog is turning damn superficial. i hate it.

i cant seem to put down into words the emotions that you make me go through. it's a warm fuzziness marred by that tinge of hate. i hate having to have this feeling of missing but yet wanting. im. i have no words.

music: some awesome hiphop mix i dance to at jitterbugs. I LOVE DANCE.

2006-06-09T13:25:00.000+08:00

help. am utterly addicted to pandora.com and have no time to download all these good indie bands because ares is being a bitchface and right now i just re installed limewire, please do not die on me. DONT, doh!: (

i havent been productive at all, instead, i feel very drained and tired. i have work tonight (yes, for those who have been uninformed i have started work at barcelona wine bar, robertson quay, so DO drop by and make me happy:)) and i am working till 5am. please, is there a better way to shoot me and die?

this summer has been filled with lots of memorable things that i know i will miss once school starts. and honestly, i dont really want any of this to go away. is it odd that i don't like to stay home for long periods of time, because i fear the judging looks both em give? but like ive mentioned, it's times like these that i realise distance makes it easier for me to love them. and how sad that it has to all come to this stage of things.

i miss mary alot, and i really wished i had been able to see her this summer. but it seems that it isnt possible for me to go down to london, because there are no flights out.

my summer seems to be filled with loadsa laughter and mindless hanging out with new people i have met during this time, and i feel a part of me dying out. and i feel sad, i feel sad that i am no longer capable of deep feelings, of all that emo-ness i once had in me, because i chose to shut it all out and i fear turning into, cue: gasp, a BIMBO. not that i am entirely sure i can call myself that. although i do feel that sometimes shopping is better than sex. hahahahaha. (not that i know how sex feels like but nothing can gratify me more than a pair of new shoes, new bag or simply clothes, period.)

so on the deal of shopping, i am currently in love with supre.com and if anyone is willing to share the bitch of a shipping cost of 30 friggin aussie dollars with me, id be more than happy to do so. so now my pocket is whimpering in its most pathetic state possible but i cant seem to STOP. so somebody HELP ME.

sigh.

this summer is awesome fun, despite certain moments of depression- of feeling used and cheated, despite having no cash to spare but still having something to buy every single new waking moment, and despite missing out on my moments of pensiveness i used to be plagued by.

i cannot feel sad for you and i anymore. i couldnt even bring myself to. so i can say, i dont love you anymore. you left me, and it was your loss.

it's a clean slate i am beginning this journey again. and i feel like ive already stained the white sheets. i made mistakes, and i'm still making them with you. you're the addiction that can kill.

music: porcupine tree- collapse the light into the earth

2006-05-24T20:39:00.000+08:00

today was a day of much pensive thoughts and such.

there's a man i thought about today, a man i dont even know exists, a man i wish to find one day, a man i wished was you or you..or perhaps you.

he will quote me love poems that will rapture my heart, but yet watch trashy shows with me (ie. punk'd or jackass) he will be the shakespeare of my life, adorning my stale life with words that could paint a beautiful picture for me, a type of life that i dare not dream i could have. he will be perfect, beyond perfection. he will be my romeo in the modern day r&j. my prince charming in sleeping beauty and draw me up from this deep nightmare that i live in. and he will have a heart palpitating arrest over me. over and over again. till i find it even hard to catch my breath, for him alone.

okay, all a bit melodrama i know.

to put in simpler words, i am not entirely sure if i want to trade this new found independence i have with comfort and familiarity. i have come to find that i do like this joanne i know, than the joanne in relationships. the jo now is pretty happy, amidst certain times of weakness. but i find the jo in relationships a real pain in the ass. clingy and whiny like a twit. and i wished for me to be something else.

sigh.

i want a man who will share and celebrate the things life can bring. and not just the physical things of life like interests, but true feelings and emotions. i have come to agree with lenny that maybe being attached is just my way of avoiding loneliness, to have someone to be imitate with, to have someone to tell me im the most beautiful thing he has ever had his eyes on( i know, u can roll your eyes, im doing it now). because i think im pretty independent on my own, i have dreams, i have aspirations, and i know what i want out of life, rather than wasting it away. i have friends who love me and i love them all the same. so...my life is pretty much fulfilled. so what do i want? what.do.i.want?

emotional fuckwittage. damn you.

and all of this was because of one.

i gotta PEE.

check it out: we're on! http://bootyloot.livejournal.com :)

2006-05-20T19:27:00.000+08:00

yes it's been barely 3 days since the last time i last clubbed and here i am off to another party. but it's summie's birthday, plus she and my babygirl pri got into medicine. NOW that calls for a celebration RIGHT?: )

so yesterday night was much fun with lenny and christine at siglap starbucks. we talked, bitched and laughed till i swear coffee was dripping out of my nostrils. haha, but i am so glad i met up wit them. they really make it so much easier to forget the things that i wanted to forget and i feel so much better now. i love u chrissy and lenny! muah. LOVE.

i hope that the frivolity of my actions would not haunt me, and make me feel guilty for having done all that i did. because i gotta admit, i had fun. even if it was shortlived.

these few days i have been drifting in and out on a guilt that i dont know why is there in the first place. cos i know things like that dont always happen, not to me especially. but it's all okay now, i know i just have to let it slip and slide away. this is what this kinda decadent lifestyle calls for, and i will bear the consequences of my actions.

tonight will be fun, i promise.
listening to hiphop over and over is strangely addictive, especially when your friends have been sms-ing you the whole of today to tell u how awesome tonight's party is gonna be. and HELL it is. cos that's how i like it done:) nice and tight baby.
hahahhahahhaha

LOVE

gonna shower and get ready for tonight's party.

on every other random note, i miss donovan very much and i wished i had a dog. sigh.

music: pussycat dolls feat. will i am- beep
BLOODY LOVE THIS SONG.

2006-05-17T21:17:00.000+08:00

i've taken to much blog voyeurism, looking into the lives of others whom i don't know but well is related to someone i do, just so i could find out more about that someone. except i don't.

ok, fine, i'm bored.

as i sit here waiting for yunnie to haul her ass over soon so we can get ready and go to phuture. yay!!!!

it's funny that just about the same time as now, a year ago, i was all 'ah clubbing sucks la, dont want to club anymore' but now, im brimming with excitement, raring to go out and party, paint the town red and all that yada-s. i guess we all change, and i guess i have gotta let myself loose just so that i can make myself be happier.

saturday night at liquid room was one hell of a party, for those who didnt come, you missed out BIG TIME. i'm in love with liquid room now. YAY for me! but not so good for my pocket. shit.

was supposed to hit butter factory tmrw initially but decided against it cos i couldnt get anyone to get and neither could tim. might be alittle odd, just me and him. (did i mention how cute i think he is? damn those sleak dance moves on that boy)

i need to chill, need to chill. but im so excited!!!! haahha. can u sense my excitement? probably not. but i am!!

anyhow, yunnie and i have done some hardcore charms-scouting these past few days and we're pleased to say that our bling dream is about to begin baby. so for all you gold lovers out there, look out for this space as i do some shameless self promotion. hahaha.

i cant seem to say goodbye to this bummer life i lead. i love bumming. as of now, i dare say bumming's my middle name:) YAY for bumming! go bummers! woot.

and im facing a major writer's block for funkygrad. i have 3 more days to my dateline and i have NOT come up with anything substantial. somehow i just cant/ HELP ME PLEASE. :( ok let me try..get into the mood dammit.

i cant! all my feet wants to do now is dance. SHIT. WHY CANT I STOP CLUBBING?!

music: hadise- stir me up

2006-05-10T16:53:00.000+08:00

Lifehouse- storm
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I happen to see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right
I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And I would walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
You know everything is alright

-i watched nick dance to this song and started crying like a nitwit. im such a sentimental wuss. i hate myself! : (
go and listen , go go go!

2006-05-07T19:16:00.000+08:00

im watching punk'd and it brings up memories of watching SNL with mary and watching justin timberlake imitate ashton kutcher, helluva funny. american tv sodding rocks. sigh.

a day in the life of yunwen and jo,

scenario 1: town
cue: some really cool hiphop song,
yunwen: eh wah nice song!
jo: yeah man!
-two heads bopping simultaneously-
yunwen: freak i need to club
jo: yeah huh, me too.
yunwen: we suck man.
jo: hahahahha.

scenario 2: town
jo: i need more bling.
yunwen: yeah me too.
jo: freak, no money la.
yunwen: yeah me too.

and den..we'll come up with money hatching plans the rest of the day.

scenario 3:town
jo: yo wadssup
yunwen: shut up, you're not a nigger.
jo: shut up bitch!
yunwen: HAHAHAHHAHA.

we have alot of funny moments. together we can compile a series of archie comics. freak, so bloody gay. but i love you yunnie! muah-

i bought new shoes, need to paint my toe nails and shop more (as if i havent had enough)

music: ashton kutcher talking

2006-05-04T17:41:00.000+08:00

i look like i slept with a hanger in my mouth, and im still smiling to myself like a sodding twit. but 'twas fun: )

i have been having wayyyyyyyyyy too much fun and i feel inertia becoming an innate part of my life. i guess i deserved all of this happiness as thin as it seems. i want more of such fun without having to bear any thoughts that plague my mind. and now, it gets easier. aces!

past few weeks have been of giving tuition to disastrous primary school kids, of dance, of partying, of some me-time, and of chilling with friends. come to think about it, i kinda like teaching. besides my kids are not those kind that would drive me to my grave, so all's good.

i hung out with lenny and we bitched and bitched and had so much to talk about. i miss literature so much, it hurts. it's ironic that i abhored studying for it in the past, but now it's like a vacant part of me that i wished i could have. ah well, the fickledness of us humans. what a pain in the ass.

and i miss lenny, gen, yunnie, bryna and the rest of all em tsd folks. AHH! so many ppl so little time. but most of all i hope to see u again: )

it feels right now. all right now. and i can truly say i am happy. i am happy.; )

music: nirvana- about a girl

2006-04-22T23:01:00.000+08:00

oh.my.freaking.god.BURN THE FLOOR IS AWESOME!: ) hell, i would kill to be able to dance like that. damn. but sadly the hot male dancers are very obviously gay, half of them at least. especially with all that booty shaking and shimmies. haha, but good stuff. tight asses. hah!

ooh hello matt! you get prominent positioning right here in my blog entry itself:) study hard alright?

it's so gay that even though exams are over, i still cant party as hard as i want to cos all my other friends are still in the midst of mugging and such. i have 2 choices- one, to make them all insanely jealous and taunt them with the fact that i am done and can slack or i want. (although i do think this would make all of them hate me and run off after their exams:() OR i could WAIT. and wait i shall..SO HURRY UP DAMMIT! :(

and something to cheer myself up and make all u people scream 'WHAT?!', i got an ed hardy tee shirt for 13.FREAKING.BUCKS.BABY. oooh and it's so pretty! sigh, now, this is love.

ive been looking desperately for a job, but i cant seem to find any. well, during the holidays, i wanna continue dance classes, so i cant take a sales job, at least not one that needs me to work 5 days a week. i dont mind waitressing, but there isnt an opening. i wanna write, but catalog magazine hasnt gotten back to me, i hope they do soon. mebbe i shld try cleo..but that's a dream that's too far fetched. i think..so im thinking tuitioning. SO WHO NEEDS TUITION? hire me, i will give u the best discounted rates ever, called the jo special:) hahaha. yes yes, ME ME ME!

i wanna shop too. MARY ANN!!!HOLLA!:)

see how can i spend so much and give so much to the singapore economy without supplementing my own?

SO GAY.

today is a good day, so im gay too! (gay as in happy you numbwits)

music: friends playing hahaha. muah i love friends.

2006-04-18T02:24:00.000+08:00

i wanna get out of here as soon as i can, as fast as i can, and just leave. leave the memories behind, and leave all that i messed up here. i just want to leave. but maybe it's this melancholy that should leave me, and leave me for good.
what do you want from me? what business have i left unsettled? why should i continuouslly be tormented by you? why do you make me so miserable that even the tears wont comprehend what the feelings that run deep within mean? why why why?
it is only when the night draws into the early morning, that i start to feel this way. that my heart starts to ache and ache it must.

forgive me, i gave in this time to the pain. and i cant just ignore it like i can in the day, when the world is fine and dandy then.

as i run through and keep up with the lives of my friends, i realised i have missed out on so much. and i miss them all so much. yet, my heart is clapsed so tight and i cant find the remedy, the way out of this darkness. i want so much to let it all go, and sometimes i grow so tired of just talking about all of this pain. but it's 3 am in the morning, and i can take it no longer. for all of this madness, all of this weariness that weighs itself upon me, i need to get out.

there are some things in my life that remain consistent. and maybe that is why i love dance so much. because i can hide behind that song, that beat, and my feet. but i know i am not a good dancer, and that hurts. an awful lot to me. for the thing i love is not the thing i can be best at. so what am i good at? i guess im good at..i dont know. my talents are few. and maybe none at all. yet, i wish not to become one of those who wallow into self-pity, who keep harping on insignificance as a failure. but im tired of keeping up and trying to convince myself of whatever so-called worthiness i have. cos it's just not working anymore. it just isn't. and these are the moments i want so much to have someone tell me u'll be fine jo, u are great, u are beautiful just the way you are. but no, no one is here, as concave scream accompanies through this sad, raining night.

sigh, i am sorry for this post, i might take it down. i just had to give in to the pain.

i, just had to.

music: concave scream- fade

mebbe it's the exams wearing me down, and the thought of exchange seems to be slipping further and further away from me.

2006-04-14T20:38:00.000+08:00

it is depressing enough that even though it is a friday, it feels like a saturday, for some peculiar resaon. and to make matters worse, i have yet to face the big exams in 3 days. i don't like being depressed. i am depressed being depressed. oh god.

so what did i do to evade thinking too much?

i went to jurong point. alone.
threw myself into the insanity of that place. with middle-aged aunties trottering about the mall with their children, and i was at mc cafe staring at this cute waiter who i think is..never mind, it's all good. and studied 107 which im done! (hurray for me, chopra would be pleased) then i did some mindless shopping, and managed to get a pretty oh pretty top for 5 bucks: ) followed by grocery shopping, and read 'catalog' on the way back. laughed like a lunatic to myself as i read the rants of 'one angry beaver'.

i guess it worked out good.

sometimes, alone is pretty therapeutic.

i love catalog magazine. i want to work for them! i wonder how come juice isnt around anymore? hmm. anyway the new issue of cleo has so many things that i lust after. if only i had the money to compensate it.

i am getting bitchier these days, and maryann helps to bring out that side. haha, but i love my girls! together none can beat our bitching. hell yeah baby. we plan to go clubbing! woohoo!!!!!! come, come, come to the dark side.: )

music: some tv show

i should study french now.

2006-04-11T01:32:00.000+08:00

it's a sudden feeling, that caught me off guard. and i wasnt prepared for this.
i really do miss buttered popcorn alot.and jas too.

i wished for a simpler time, where i had no need to worry about what to wear, just throw on my stiff beigey looking uniform and TRY to make it to school on time.
i wished for a simpler time, where even though we screamed and hated the guts of one another, we would ended up kissing, hugging and playing mahjong the next moment.
i wished for a simpler time, where we gathered around the garden tables and ate sushi, drank caramel frappucino with jelly bits in them, and bitched like we always did.
i wished for a simpler time, where we would have group hugs, and the circle of trust.
i wished for a simpler time, where we helped each other out during times of difficulties, how we fought for our piece, and made it what it is today, made us what we are today.

a family.
a family i love.
a family i really, really miss.
: (

-whimpers-
BLIMEY.

music: bonethugsandharmony- take the lead (wanna ride)
P.S.: HELL YEAH.: )

- im riding on 2 very different emotions at the same time, and wondering how i do it. should sleep. more mugging to do tmrw in uncle lee wee nam's home.
but there's u! yay!: )

and last of all, i love u all buttered popcorn, so very much! cant wait for jas to be back. yay. more wine and whine. (hahah, so creative right)

2006-04-08T01:06:00.000+08:00

somebody save me from this insanity. and someone save me from this madness please.

anyway, i have no idea why but i'm addicted to 'coyote ugly'. CUE: yunwen screaming 'CHICK FLICK!you bgrade movie lover!' but it's such a feel-good movie. and it shows so much of new york city, makes me miss the time that i spent there. i wished my life was like a fairy tale, that works out so perfectly in movies, and that everything falls into place like it should. but it never is right?

so well i say: suck it up and finish this god damn thing.

hubert selby jr. is an amazing writer. ive read 'last exit to brooklyn' and 'requiem for a dream' which both left me crying like a nitty little thwart. very bad. but he feeds my need for some form of depression, albeit as little as it is. yet, i won't ponder too much upon it. because ive taken too much shit in this life, and i give up trying to conquer it. so ill let it slide and slip away. like how it quietly crept into the walls of my life.

i hate exams. i dont want to study anymore. i really don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!pissing hell. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

-yunnie: FEED ME MY DOSAGE OF GOSSIP PLEASE.hahahhahaha. I MISS YOU GUYS SOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!neh neh.
pui!

haiya, i am tired of talking.
btw, there is a difference between 'ill miss' and 'i miss'. there is a difference. but i guess you werent the right one for me. so shall we just let it be? because u already put an end to it right?

dont put ur shit on me, people. (this isnt a warning, it's a rhetorical statement)

i need to pee!

- i like u more and more each day. it's such a nice feeling to see u smiling at me: )

2006-03-20T10:45:00.000+08:00

let me go, and let me walk away.

there are the moments where i see the bigger picture of things, and wonder to myself how come feelings come in spurts and then go so quietly, through no fault of my own or any others. but it's gone, and i dont think it'll ever come back again.

okay, beware, next half of the post would have me lapsing into moments of ditzyness and bimbotic-ness.but hell im a girl. so shut the hell up.

I WENT FOR CLEO'S 50 MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR'S BASH at MOS.
with??

PRIYANKA!!(my favourite gondoosamy) and tsd juniors- rau, farra, and KHAIRUL hahahah. and of course with JOHN (ie. shunping). poor boys, felt really outta place admist screaming girls. " COLBY I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES!" haha. some girls really ARE desperate. but hey, i was cool alright. just that i took tons of video. and i think howard lo is the most adorable man alive. sigh, how come these men only exist in my fantasies and such, but never happen to me in real life?
never the mind, i shall strive on and WAIT.
ahaha.

..so i went to seletar reservoir to see the girls row. kinda miss it actually..some kinda nostalgia overwhelmed me. i guess i forgot how much fun i could have if i just let go abit, and stop caring so much. (and hell, i think i like you, why must i like you? things are so hard when they keep making fun of us, and i hate that, i absolutely hate that. cos it makes talking to you seem like impossible and i wished it wasnt so hard, becos everytime i look at u, we can only sneak it, and not be public about it, becos when they start their bloody nonsense, we have to stop. we were talking for 2 minutes and they started it again. dammit, and why are you always playing so hard to get? why are you always playing this game so subtly, leave me wanting for more and then go again? why must i like people who do this kinda thing? OH MY GOD. SOMEBODY SHOOT ME PLEASE.)

i have been back for dance classes at jitterbugs and it makes me happy. these days, i think i care less and less, i learn to love myself more, and i learn that happiness is not that hard to achieve. so im glad i love myself more. and everyday, i learn to be happy bit by bit. but somehow the empty void still stays. but i guess im learning to take baby steps, like an infant unable to walk, crippled by fear of some sorts..but courage is coming, and i can feel myself being empowered with each day. i think he has moved on, and i think i'm learning to move on myself. and i want to be happy. (and on some level, i want him to feel guilty forever, for leaving me.)

some random notes-
1) i have too much work
2) i have chipped yellow nails
3) there's a bumpy little pimple growing underneath eyelid and it wont go away
4) i still wear contact lenses
5) i very gian to dance
6) i miss yunnie,bry and nelle very very much
7) i miss buttered popcorn too (JAS! COME HOME SOON!)
8) i think ill go back to dragonboat
9) i havent made my gold shoes :(
10) exams are coming (TAMADE)
11) i have chipped yellow nails but too lazy to remove them(eee)
12) i not wearing bra (before you have any stupid thoughts, my top has a double layer thank you very much : ))
13) i want to shit
14) there are too many random things
15)and i need someone's credit card to buy all the hubert selby jr. books in the world (last exit to brooklyn was..heartwrenching and real)

Hell, i just wanna dance.

music: lee wai pheng talking (yes im blogging during lecture)

a note: Death (of)

2006-03-13T10:44:00.000+08:00

A note: Death (of).
I kissed, fought and failed.
I (fucked), loved and broke.
I shot, missed and cried.
I loved, lost and died.

Stop being so god-damned stupid, I thought to myself
out loud.
You are hurting me you daft fool, I wrote to myelf
out loud.
I think I won't cry when I see you die, I said to myself
out loud.

It's time to get emo, I say.
It's time to get emo, I say again.
It's time to get emo, I say again and again.

With a slap, a bang, and a screamed shout:
It's goodnight and goodbye, baby.
Long and gone.
Long and buried.
Long and Dead.

2006-03-02T13:15:00.000+08:00

these are the moments i want to forget, and wake up not remembering you again.
you know, you really got me there. there are the days when i tell myself to forget you and forget us, but there are the days when i wake up from tear-stained sheets from the dream of what was once you-and-i. but it's over.

it's over.

--i have been partying wayy too much. though there was a period of time i decided that maybe clubbing wasn't for me because i guess i found some form of comfort in him. and i had enough of it. but now that being swinging single has put me back up on the meat market per se, i am back. and with a vengeance. haha.

we hit mos yesterday night. and this time around, they failed to deliver. although they did play daddy yankee! woot! they actually had to close smoove cos it was too packed but of course, genius that i am (ahem), i led the girls through the main arena right through into smoove via the other entrance. so there we were, sweaty bodies pressed against one another, bitches pushing asses against me, but had one helluva good time. i have never clubbed with cs people before, yesterday night, being the first ever. we cheers-ed to individual bottle of vices(i had my bicardi breezer!;)) and i declared 'to cs, tonight's gonna be fun!'haha. i think they are very amused at my intent on partying till the sun comes out. but we did have fun now didnt we girls + Rishi? hmm..;) ooh and i met girls from french! i am going to get their no.s so i can get them to hit the clubs with (me) moi. :)

this weekend is crazy. friday ill be going for the tree-top walk with edwin, and i think it's gonna be fun! and sat, im supposed to go back to vj cos it's VJ day, meet nelle for shopping (which reminds me i am definitely gonna go back and get those brown gym-quarts from MNG!) and den watch mel dance (although it seems tentative) and THEN, meet bryna at holland v. talk about craziness. hopefully all my plans will work out eh?

don't ask me 'how am i' dont ask me 'are u okay?'. sometimes, i really really wished that people would leave me alone. why can't one be depressed, why can't one be upset, why can't one be happy without emotional baggage either. what is this obsession that people have with feeling like they should feel responsible for someone else's emotions? NO, i am NOT okay, and NO, i don't want to talk about it. because for one, so what if i am not okay, are you going to give me a solution? are you going to give me a way out? this is exactly why i don't want to think anymore, so DON'T ask me for crying out loud. because i havent thought and i feel happy. all too flighty to bother but still. DON'T.
(apologies about this, i had to give in to my pissy mood but it's not directed to anyone really, i am still the nice, smiling jo you know, you know :))

i am getting really tired of playing these games that we play. and i wished i didnt bother about the talks.
i gave up trying to feel like i should have that day.

maybe i am tired too cos i slept at 6am, HAHA!

music: augustana- stars and boulevard

2006-02-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

stop messing with my head, dumbdumbdumbdumb.

listening to: jimmy eat world- futures
i like this song. gets me really high on the goodness of life.

listening to: destiny's child ft. jay-z- lose my breath (remix)
i like this song. gets me really high on the dancefloor.

i think i am becoming more and more flighty as the days go by. i think it's a good and bad thing. i think i think too much. so i become flighty. then when i become flighty, i think. so i think again. so in the words of the al: don't think, just do. so don't think? or think less? aiya, don't think la.

i realised that i have a shit load of 103 untouched. but then my weekend is jamm-packed with activities. first up, i have to shift to my new room. HELL YEAH BABY! single room, just bloody awesome. got aircon some more. woot. all u hall 11 suckers can diediedie. my parents are really something huh. allowing me to move, moving in for me, i think i'll never be able to repay them in all my lifetimes. (i love you daddy and mummy!--i sound 8, but it's true)

french is getting hard. i think pas cal hates me.
him: ah joanne, comment tu dis 'you stay'?
me:(looks scared and confused)..er, je suis..reste?
him: ah when i sit next to you, you can get it correct. but when you write, you give me 'j'ai reste'? (laughs)
me:...(looks somewhat scared and lets out meek laughter).

merde!
putain!
salaud!
(i need more french vulgarity lessons) :(-- LENNY!this would be a good time for u to appear.

mos was pretty rockin awesome yesterday night. when you put 2 crazy bitches together, with some good hiphop, you get the yunwen-and-jo screams and some hardcore dance. that's what i am talking about. we killed the dancefloor. and feet. haha.

anyone listened to kevin federline's song 'popozao'? sounds like an advertisment for some kind of chocolate wafer stick of some sorts. was i thinking 'pocky'? hmm. he just sung (more like said) 'are you all ready for some popozao?'--now it sounds like a real bad advert for a can drink. why do i have such weird thoughts?

2006-02-20T12:11:00.000+08:00

it doesn't hurt that bad anymore. or at least not like i'd think it would have been. maybe if i stopped caring altogether, i would not have to face anymore of this, and of you.

10 random facts:
1) i took out my eyebrow piercing. (yes, 'twas hard for me to say goodbye, but dont worry im going to get another one)
2) i am now in my room wondering how come im doing this when i should be getting down to my texts.
3) i feel fat. (i always feel fat)
4) i watched 'snatch' and am now absolutely in love with it.
5) i am quitting dragonboat.
6) al burnt me 2 cds and i have a thousand over songs on my list literally overnight. the awesomeness of ripping. but they're all kickass songs though
7) i am turning to a cheena pok. --THIS being the biggest risk and hence, RED ALERT beeps.
8) i haven't gotten my mohawk yet, and i am still a pussy about it.
9) i meet up with janelle and yunnie more often now, as we relived the days of the original trio during maths lecture. talking with sexual innuendos and laughing the loudest. (still remember there was this time we spent half an hour in the bloody girls' toilet admiring our arses. and taking stupid pictures and videos)

sigh.
-- i wanted to type more, but realised i was boring myself. so i stopped at 9. hopefully i can make it 10.
i told u it was random now didnt i?
you should have listened.

if u don't already get the gist of this post, you're dumb.

-- i bumped into malcolm that day. it was surreal. the moment passed and i moved on. i can only comfort myself that he is 28, with a failed relationship that haunts him from 10 years and beyond. so call me bitter, call me emo, and what-have-yous. i have lost the ability to bullshit any longer.

(un-friggin-fortunately, he had to be the one i loved. the most, at the very least.)

well, life and its cruel games. cheers i say. bring on more, for i think i can handle it now. i have grown.

(random fact #10: i wished i had grown taller though) --YAY! TEN! :)

Bitter town

2006-02-13T10:26:00.000+08:00

Bitter town
I hear bitter town,
calling.
It thumped,
thumps, dumps, thumps.
It is broke,
and aches.

I hear bitter town,
calling.
It shivered,
shivers, chivas, shivers.
It is heart,
and hard.

I hear bitter town,
calling.
It screamed,
screams, sings, screams.
It is hurt,
and cries.

It is me, bitter town;
calling (me).

2006-02-09T22:08:00.000+08:00

i just watched 'mee pok man'. (with my new found richness from cny, i indulged in the eric khoo box set.) and oh.my.freaking.god. eric khoo is one bloody talented director. or should i say realisacteur? (my french sucks.period.) it drove me to sheer fear for joe ng and his pain, i held my hands against my chest, as i watched him kiss michelle goh's decaying hands and kissed her endlessly. he promised to love her forever, even as she laid dead on his bed, after they had sex. he did her, till she died. anyone who hasnt watched this movie, pls go. for if you don't, you wouldnt know my take on the love that i sought, in desperation.

today, without warning, i was caught on by a sudden wave of sadness. it was laced with subtle depression, but faint hope of some kind. it was probably the sun behind the clouds, and the rain, maybe. but,

you, have proven to me once again that some good things just don't last very long. for friendship and everything else, i wish you all the best. i want so much to talk to you again like we used to, and to sit around and play boggle. but i think you won't like that very much now.

i am feeling rather grumpy today. maybe it's the lack of sleep ive been having, and the late nights as i stay up doing work, and work, and work. i pulled my hair back in a tight pony tail, put on black makeup, and all i missed out on are some metal chains and boots maybe.
i, is fashionista.-- (die, too much al talk)

been given the job as fashion editor for funkygrad.com. so check that spot out. i shld get back to my reports.

god give me grace.

music: rooster- deep and meaningless

2006-02-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours!

Dance

92%

English

92%

Philosophy

75%

Theater

67%

Journalism

67%

Sociology

67%

Art

67%

Psychology

58%

Linguistics

58%

Mathematics

58%

Biology

42%

Anthropology

33%

Engineering

Chemistry

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

this is way awesome, it's totally true!

life's good now. from the joys of sitting at starbucks playing scrabble, annoying the shit outta ivan, partying with darren and luoana, being invited to be part of the al clubbing experience, chilling with ed, and the likes of shopping for shoes,bags and more shoes and bags. this ought to be the life i meant to lead.

sure, everynight i go to sleep remembering your face, your voice, the very you. but some choices just had to be made. it was never easy, and no one said it would be. sometimes i just wished some people wouldnt make judgments. i wished that they would see that it wasnt easy for me to live with the fact that i had to friggin let go becos the choice had to be made. i walked out of it, to stand tall for myself and that's the least i could do, for him to remember me as the jo. the one who was his everything. like he was to me. but things will change, and you move on. so yeah, gimme a nudge would ya and not put me down.

asswipes.

2006-01-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

i havent blogged in forever and a day. did you miss me? i think not.
could it have been i havent had the chance to stop and think, and hence feel depressed that i should start typing here again? or could it just be the fact that it gets so empty inside, i give up on it. for some reason, im starting to miss you again. and that these tears that are coming, is somehow a reminder of just how much i miss you. and i wished for you to be here all of a sudden, out of no demand of mine, but just for you to hold my hand and just hold me, till the night turns into day. when it gets easier to pretend that you're no longer around anymore. festive seasons are never easy, when you see happy couples and wished you had someone just like they did. or when they ask the very dreadful qn, so..are you single?

i wished i could delve into a whole conversation of how i wished i was not, and that i had someone just a few weeks back but now i lost love. but somehow i just kept it at the simple-- yes, im single, and always have been. tightlipped, hands clutched into balls of regret and fighting the quiver in my voice.

suddenly, the onslaught of tears is making it so hard for me to write. i just wished you were here, and i don't like this feeling of being alone anymore. because i still love you.

how does one get on without knowing what tomorrow brings? pls, for everything, just come home. please.

music: hanson- love song

2006-01-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

you know what i have come to realise? i have learnt that when you love someone, there's one part you failed to remember. and that is, you have to prepare yourself for the goodbyes that come with it. lover, family or friends, there's no going round it. it will inevitably come, whatever, or whenever it may be. pessimistic, a tad perhaps. but it's the sad, sad truth. sometimes, you just gotta let go, and let live. but it's god damn hard, and it just isn't fair that even when you try so hard to keep the one you love by your side, they would one day, just leave. be it walking away, or in death, you just have to say goodbye.

there are days when i feel like i am okay, and days i feel like i'm going to die from the pain that yields inside me. there are days when i feel like i can still move on, and move past this sudden turn of events, and then there are the times when i feel like i am about to fall apart and break. my soles are tired from running away, and i wish to come to a stand still. damn it, i have had enough of all this talk. i have just had it with all this talk. enough, is enough.

yet, i have been writing a shit load. and there are so many thoughts that contain me when i am alone.

i know one kind of love that never ceases. and that is the love of God. perhaps i may not look like one, much less act like one(a christian, that is). but i do take pride in my religion. very much, in fact. for the past few days, i have been praying, with all my might and with all my heart and with every ounce of emotion i could conjure. for i am just so tired of fighting this battle myself. and it has proved to be rather therapeutic. faith, it's a powerful weapon. but it is also the one thing i can't hold on for too long. i've said this once to him. and that is, at the end of the day, the love of god, would still prevail. for sometimes, i cant find the answer to things, you just have to know the big guy up there would do something, somehow.

and he agreed.

the intangibility of it all, is now what i seek and run after. for he isn't here anymore to tell me all will be okay. and so, my words are back to bite me right in the ass. but it has proven to be, somehow, true. i hope it stays this way.

music: dave matthews band- stolen away on 55th&3rd

2006-01-13T13:43:00.000+08:00

all it took was for a song to send the tears coming.

last night was fabulous. we rocked it real nice at dbl o and i managed to hook up. but today, when i woke up, i felt emptier, and hollow, so hollow inside. they just keep coming back and i cant seem to stop. i am dead tired from pretending it's all okay. because in me, i feel lost and very much alone. somehow, i have got to make this stop. but i really dont know how. yesterday was the day, i decided that i'll move on, deleted all photos of you, of all the messages that you sent. but no matter how many times i press the delete button, there's one thing i can't delete away. and that was of all those memories, the meanings, the stories behind everything. i wished i could be every little thing you wanted. i am so god damned sorry about every single thing that went wrong between us. and i want so much to call you, to tell you that inside i am hurting as hell and im afraid i'm not going to be able to stand again. ive been trying, ive been trying, trust me i have. i keep telling all those around me that i am okay, that i guess i'm fine.

but u know what, i so am not. and i really want nothing more but for me to never wake up from this pain. ever, again. i cannot stop them from taking me over anymore. too weak, too powerless. do you miss me too? did you know i missed you? i missed you, i missed you so, so, so, very, very, much.
mary's leaving, and i think i wont be able to survive the days of learning to recover from a heartache of losing my love, and not seeing my best friend for another year. or more. and i fear going home, of trying to put on a front that i am fine. of trying to move on effortlessly. i am just so scared inside, i'm so scared. but no one is here to comfort me in my fears.

The wind it blows through the trees
Claiming those innocent leaves
And the thunder rolls these crashing seas
Like a tender kiss holds this heart in me

In this life long love song
You can love right you can love wrong
In this love song you can love long
But if you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone

Mary was a young girl with a young girl's heart
Well all I can remember is I loved her from the start
I was hers forever she was mine too
But something's wrong 'cause now she's gone
Tell what should I do

In this life long love song
You can love right you can love wrong
In this love song you can love long
But if you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone
Whoa
And it doesn't mean love's wrong
Just because you're feeling' low
And it doesn't mean loves gone
'Cause you feel that you want to let go
Well no one wrote in this book of love that you'd always know
I wish someone would've told me before

We talked about love a million times it seems
The words come out our lips like we forgot what it means
We said we'd be together 'til death do us part
But we said those words with only half our hearts

In this life long love song
You can love right you can love wrong
In this love song you can love long
And if you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone

I wish someone would've told me before
(I wish someone would've told me before)
I wish someone would've told me before
(I wish someone would've told me before)
I wish someone would've told me before
(I wish someone would've told me before)

music: hanson- love song

2006-01-10T03:21:00.000+08:00

these days i sleep later, and later. and later. and i wake up, feeling heavy hearted. when will this cycle end?

singapore has officially NO good clubs. gotham penthouse was sadly, very disappointing. but mary, elkx and i managed to get into one night stand, and they were playing salsa and other stuff, which was friggin awesome. but gotham..PISS. :( dbl o seems to be only place that plays relatively good music, considerably by our high high standards. it had better stay that way. if not, id be pissing upset.

anyway, singaporeans are boring people. tomorrow's a public holiday, but no one roams the streets and party. and being in a cheena uni, makes it all the worse.. shit la.

i might update here pretty often now. now that i havent got you to tell things to anymore. the past me, was angry and very hurt. i was emo and went through a phase of being goth, wanting to wear black eyeliner, cut myself and write words like 'i want to die'. now, i seemingly have outgrown that phase. maybe it was because of you.. if i think positively. but now, it seems like i am just too jaded. just a little too much. and i miss you. hell i miss you. but i try not to think about it, yet it keeps coming back. what do i do now? i am tired, really. and i want to take the back seat, let the steering wheel go outta control. but will i spiral into nothingness, and lose you as my friend even. i fear thinking about you, becos it might bring me back to all the pain of leaving you and missing you. and if that happens, i might just give in and call you again. but that's not what you want anymore. you don't want to hear from me, you just want space. space i give, and space fills me inside and space makes me very silent about this pain i feel. i don't know what to do, and i don't want to think. so i go through the motions of the day, just trying to pretend it's all okay, but it's not, it's not. not even the least bit. would you move on? would you find someone else? what happened to us? how come i see the photos of us and i can only smile, but cry too, for we were so perfect and so right? had it all disappeared? what happened to the dreams we spun together? see, im thinking again, and im remembering. when i shouldnt really. i cannot write anymore, i can't. it's too painful. just too painful.
(i love you, and i'm sorry).

but it's not so bad, you're only the best i ever had.

2006-01-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

and so i welcome 2006 as a singleton. right now, every morning waking up, feels like i stepped out of a bad dream and that the whole incident never did happen. because in those dreams i have had, you were there with me, smiling at me and holding my hand as we stood by the seas, just you and i. just you and i. i could indulge in a whole depressing soliloquy of how i'll remember. in the typical manner- i remember therefore i feel. but no, i shan't do that. maybe i have told myself too much and too often- not to think, not to feel. just so, i wouldnt remember. or maybe the memories have been far too beautiful, for me to think of it as the end of things. maybe i am too scared to remember, for if i remembered, i would realise it's over, and over, would make me start to hate you for taking the best thing away from me(on some subconcious level). i really don't know. but what i do know is that i love you. and that every day now, i feel nothing less than empty. i cannot cry for us, for i am drained to the bones. and anyway, i needn't do it, for the rain has done it for me. please forgive me, love. forgive me.

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be everylittle thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes
Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, everylittle thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

dishwalla- every little thing

this song explains me.

damn you ivan for sending me such a beautiful song( u know im kidding).haha. thanks alot.. u'd be surprised to see this. but uve been someone i could really tell stuff too. even though u just shrug and blink all the time. -rolls eyes-

2006-01-04T13:26:00.000+08:00

since i have some time on my hands, i thought i might say a word or two.

days haven't been easy, with the fear of him leaving, and my parents giving me hell, i feel like i am about to break and fall apart. the first time i heard my dad cry for me, i felt guilty. for i didnt know how to comfort him, neither did i knew the right words to say. it hurt, dad, it hurt so much. i can only say sorry for not having been the daughter that you wanted me to be. how did we all come to this? i really don't know anymore. i just want it all to end, so badly, so desperately. i thought i made you happy, i tried to talk to you as much as i could, but guess that was never enough. my heart is heavy now, it weighs a ton. and i carry it around me like a baggage that ought to be thrown out. sometimes, i wish that there was truly an answer, but things now seem so vague and so blur, i cant help but to feel a little pessimistic about our situation. how do i help you? i can't even help myself. i can't even help myself to feel sorry about it all. isn't that sad. blood is thicker than water, or so they say. but family to me now seems to remain secondary. i am sad, for this guilt trip i'm on is taking much too deep a toll on me. i really don't know what to do anymore. i really don't. i really, really..don't.

and then there's him. lately, i watch his vacant eyes look at me. and i try to ignore his insignificant stares, clawing onto the hope that maybe somewhere inside him, he still remembers why we loved, and how we had amazed one another. but is that enough? to be trying so hard on my own, but as for him..it seems like a drag. an utter mistake. i don't want to be dependent on him anymore, so what will that mean for me? right now, i feel numb, empty and pathetic. i think about my parents, and how my home is no longer a home, i feel depressed and guilty. i think about how him and i nearly ended things, and how he suddenly took off, became a totally different person from the boy who loved me to a complete stranger, i feel depressed and guilty too. must this 2 emotions haunt me, and take all life out of me?
ill try to be as understanding as i can be, for i am so sorry baby. for giving you shit, for being so senstive all the time, i am so sorry. i am so sorry.
all i want to know is that you love me too.

i am so tired of thinking these thoughts. i am just so tired.

you have big dreams, and so have i.

-did you know i missed you? i miss you.

i hope this new year doesnt suck. what a way to take off though.

music: something corporate- konstantin

2005-12-22T00:29:00.000+08:00

(doing this becos i was asked[read:demanded] to.)

--anyway, i miss my emo stash. some things can only be expressed through that of music.

maybe i've grown past my jadedness and sunk into darkness far too deep. till some part of me will now, always remain dark. christmas was always , always my favourite holiday as a child. i remember decorating the christmas tree with my brother and aunt, remember coming home every evening from school and seeing it light up, in soft hues of orange that comforted me. remember the presents that stayed under the tree, and i will take it, feel it, shake it with all my might just to guess what it was. but now, suddenly, my house is barren with presents through no warning of any sorts. and the tree is no longer there. my home is dull and so quiet. no one speaks and when we do, we scream, she screams, i scream. and i am sad. that the only way i can feel like loving her again, is when im away from her.
and now christmas is no longer the same. not for me.

how did we, from mere children become such ugly creatures. always sad, always depressed. sorry, not we, but i. i guess i do love malcolm, alot, in fact. but i always feel so god damn guilty about every thing that goes wrong. I'M too sensitive, I'M too demanding, I'M too insecure and yadayada. and well, i guess i do love my parents and my brother. but there are times when i find it too god damn hard to even be ard them. that i would rather stay away from the 'comforts of home' and be in the confinement of my own solace.

i wrote a letter the last time, and i didnt address it to anyone. simply becos i dont know who would be very much interested any longer.

i bore myself.
the demons of my own self bore me. -yawn-
i loathe myself

but: MARY'S BACK! for a while now, and it has just been awesome hanging out with her. she's like my sister, and i love her. wished she wont go back..sigh. but on happier note, she understands me like no one can. (let's not get all mushy, but yeah:))
been working out with my gym buddy too, bel. haa. she inspires me! and forces me to do clean and jerk but im a lazy ass and i refuse to. ok i promise one day i will haul my lazy ass to ok?

narnia and oi sleeping beauty tmrw. oooh cant wait. gotta pee. and my eyes hurt. tamade.

music: west grand boulevard- (i dont know what the track title is)