they will see us waving from suchgreatheights
Saturday, January 15, 2005
i can only believe..
i can only believe that someday they will learn that im no longer their little girl. that i need to grow up, i need to depend on myself. i am no longer his little girl, the one that hugged him as a young girl, the one that would call him 'daddy' and tell both of them the words 'i love you' and mean it through and through. don't get me wrong, i do love them. but in a very different way. i love them but i just want them to understand. this pain that i feel, isnt anything that they can amend, or try to fix. it's just part of me. don't make me talk about it, cos it's not something verbal. it's just very strangely, innate in me.
god has given me the previlige of growing up in a home where i can get almost whatever i want. and i am guilty for that. blame me, scold me, lecture me, but somehow my heart seems to have this numbing pain, this pain, not i feel from all the hurts, but becos, i wished they would just get it. all i want to do is to make myself grow up 10 years, to witness something drastic, something that would make me want to appreciate whatever that i have at my hands. i want to stop being selfish, i want to stop thinking about only myself.
i love god, i do. but there's this voice in me that keeps screaming at me, telling me to just let go of it all. and im struggling to keep up, to hold on. my parents make me feel like letting go. cos they just keep talking, and talking,and wanting me to talk. but don't get it? it's not that i DON'T want to talk, it's becos im too tired from talking. i just wished that i had a chance to tell them that this has nothing to do with them, it's me. it's just me.
as i try to envisage upon the right ways of a true christian, i find myself failing, time and time again. i just want to be true to what i believe in. but yet i lead 2 very different lives. i wouldnt call myself anoerexic, cos' i believe that i'll eat when i want to and just eat what i want to[ie baby food and organic, low-fat stuff]. but to my parents, they want me to eat alot, ALOT. it's not that i am being picky cos i know my parents eat food that isnt half as bad. but i just have to have this control over my food. i just have to. i cannot go through a meal thinking 'oh it'll all be okay it's just one night of porridge and dishes'. i cannot. i simply can't. i need to know the calorie content, i need to control what i eat. i know that they want me to eat with them, and i dont mind sitting around. but my mom is always yelling "EAT MORE EAT MORE YOU HAVE TO EAT MORE" i just want her to get it.i am happy eating the way i eat. so why do i feel so bad? why?
i just want to leave.
everymorning i wake up thinking today's going to be a good day. im not gonna scream, im not gonna break. but my mom comes down and she forces me with food. and when i say those words "im not hungry", she gets mad. i just want to get out.
music: evanescence- you
god has given me the previlige of growing up in a home where i can get almost whatever i want. and i am guilty for that. blame me, scold me, lecture me, but somehow my heart seems to have this numbing pain, this pain, not i feel from all the hurts, but becos, i wished they would just get it. all i want to do is to make myself grow up 10 years, to witness something drastic, something that would make me want to appreciate whatever that i have at my hands. i want to stop being selfish, i want to stop thinking about only myself.
i love god, i do. but there's this voice in me that keeps screaming at me, telling me to just let go of it all. and im struggling to keep up, to hold on. my parents make me feel like letting go. cos they just keep talking, and talking,and wanting me to talk. but don't get it? it's not that i DON'T want to talk, it's becos im too tired from talking. i just wished that i had a chance to tell them that this has nothing to do with them, it's me. it's just me.
as i try to envisage upon the right ways of a true christian, i find myself failing, time and time again. i just want to be true to what i believe in. but yet i lead 2 very different lives. i wouldnt call myself anoerexic, cos' i believe that i'll eat when i want to and just eat what i want to[ie baby food and organic, low-fat stuff]. but to my parents, they want me to eat alot, ALOT. it's not that i am being picky cos i know my parents eat food that isnt half as bad. but i just have to have this control over my food. i just have to. i cannot go through a meal thinking 'oh it'll all be okay it's just one night of porridge and dishes'. i cannot. i simply can't. i need to know the calorie content, i need to control what i eat. i know that they want me to eat with them, and i dont mind sitting around. but my mom is always yelling "EAT MORE EAT MORE YOU HAVE TO EAT MORE" i just want her to get it.i am happy eating the way i eat. so why do i feel so bad? why?
i just want to leave.
everymorning i wake up thinking today's going to be a good day. im not gonna scream, im not gonna break. but my mom comes down and she forces me with food. and when i say those words "im not hungry", she gets mad. i just want to get out.
music: evanescence- you
posted by jo # 9:39 AM 