they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

when they say that love hurts. it really hurts.

finally i clicked on jon's blog link. it's been like what? nearly a year since it was over. and i am still so bitter. im so bitter, it hurts. it isn't over. there is just too much i havent said, too much things i didn't get to tell him. i read his blog and i see a different him. a person that i feel like ive never known. people really can change in just a matter of seconds, before you even know it.

and that, to me, is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone.

it's like you never knew, and you'll never see what others see. they see you and they think you're one person and just by a snap, you're gone. that person that they thought you to be, all their lives, they go and are gone before anyone can even find you back. no doubt, there's always somewhere, along the way, they realise ure changing. they're afraid, but they believe ESSENTIALLY, you're still the same person. but only to their disappointment, you are no longer there. gone and gone forever.

i was just thinking who i was back then when things were good and simple. love came and went. friends came, and went. in my life, there are two people that meant everything to me. one- nis. two- mary. and then one is gone now, and i don't even know where to begin to tell her i am so sorry, knowing that things are never going to be the same. the other, my dear girl, my soul sister, mary. she is gone now, not emotionally, but physically. and suddenly i can cry these tears and feel utterly stupid.

people outgrow hurts, they outgrow the pain. daphne and i, were close friends and there was a part of me that foolishly believed that we somehow would be the best of friends. but that obviously didnt work out. somewhere along the way, i snapped, she broke and we lost our friendship. i look at the photos of us back then, when we played truant, when we lived like there was no tomorrow and i wonder how my life would have turned out now. maybe it was wrong of me to have judged her, but i guess, there's one part of me that am sorry. just sorry but that's all.

then there's lynn. we were never the best of friends, per se. but we were pretty close. then before anyone could say anything, or before there was any warning, we drifted apart. and i can't say that i am not upset, or not feel pained by the sudden change in things, but i am only glad, we remain good friends till this day. sure, things aren't the same but seeing her happy is really, all that matters to me.

and then there are many people whom ive grown close to. but now no longer in contact with. jayne, jonny, just to name a few.

they say that when we love someone, most of us are only attracted to the notion of being in love with love itself. perhaps i am of that kind. like i tell mary, to fall in love, is not hard. but to find someone and know for a fact, this is the person, the being that you want to spend the rest of your life with..that's something. i can see myself wanting to find love but rejecting it at the end. maybe after all that trash talk about 'men suck' is just me thinking im never good enough for love.

don't judge, they say. don't condemn. but that's human nature is it not? when i read the words off the blogs i read, i cant help but to think the things that i choose to think. selectivity is my weakness. becos i refuse, or rather am just too misguided in the way i perceive things now and then. maybe all this is just me finding an excuse to not grow close to anyone. i just want to make myself exclusive to the world.

i have lost too many friends. and the hurt has got me numb to love. i lost siew theng (but have tried to amend things recently), i lost lynn(although we're still forever meeting at the toilet), i lost daphne, i lost jayne, i lost jonny, i lost chloe, the cocks and i lost...nis. the last being my most regretted loss. and more.

ive grown tired of people leaving and never coming back again. i am not inclined melancholy, or depression. just that in the turn of events, i am left once again, with a heart, that hurts really bad. as in moby's lyrics would have it. there are moments when i feel happy, i do. but others will always see me as the girl with headphones of sad sad songs. and the poetry of the depressed seeped into the ink of her pen.

sadly, i don't bother trying to change things. maybe ive seen too many leave. maybe ive learnt to numb myself of the pain so well, that i no longer am going to chase broken rainbows.

i remember one person whom i thought would keep me sane for a long time, who would be there everytime i needed someone, and it was she. she was my friend--for 6 whole years. but now, in just one snap, i don't even talk to her. but only leave sarcastic comments. i repel people.

i'll always love her. and that i can only say i'm sorry. sorry's never enough for anything. i said sorry to jonny more than i ever did to anyone. but that's becos i loved him so damn much.

as for mary, she'll always remain as one person i can see myself relying on. a person that i can safely say, 10 years from now will be next to me at starbucks. and we will probably still be complaining about men and our "children"(imaginary or real, that's up to our sex life to decide). but god had to take her away from me and leave me alone here.

like i told you, maybe i was never cut out to deserve anything good. that i just want to keep taking, and now, everything is taken away from me.

ive said my peace, and made peace with love, or not. i don't really know. but i mean every damn word i say here. and to all that ive hurt, i am sorry. and i love you all still. very very much.

this blog has finally been given it's due birth.
music: nora jones- shoot the moon