they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

time passes exceptionally slowly when u feel like there isnt a purpose, or there is a meaning as to what u are doing and why you are doing it.
as i spend more time alone, i feel comforted by just the mere silence that enraptures me. i don't crave for company but do i really want to keep living like this? being alone, is not half as bad. and that's what i tell myself for most parts of the time that i am alone. i sit alone with my coffee and watch the world go by me, and i feel like im being left out and that makes me a very sad person, but yet at the same time, unknowingly finding some kind of contentment that leaves me a very hollow person all at the same moment.
it's funny isnt it? how i am always inclined towards being a pentup with hatred, angsty bitch.
but nonetheless, it makes me feel like im tired, like im always running a race, trying to hide away from the rest of the world. the things that i have to deal, people i have to face and the responsibilities that i have to deal with. it's all too much for me to take.
silence, is comforting, cos im alone. i am not forced to make conversation and neither am i forced to make an effort to pretend to be someone that others think of me as. but i'm just tired of being alone as well.

as the festive season draws near, i cant help myself but to feel scared. scared of meeting my old relatives, scared of making conversation, scared of the food. i am scared, scared that i am being thrown into a pack of wolves, to devour me and take my hopes&dreams away from me. that they will judge me, judge me for wanting to be an awfully wilful girl, running away to new york to study. for wanting to incriminate my body with piercings and tattoos. for having the deep dark secret of obsessing over food. these fears are overwhelming by the days, hours, minutes, seconds as i pen my thoughts down furiously, in hope that someone, just someone might learn to understand.

i am not trying to make a statement or to make a cry for attention. i just have had too much to say but no one is willing to listen, or at least, in my head, it seems that way. god seems to be my only reason, the only reason that can keep me going.and he does, he really does. but then why do i want to keep avoiding people that love,care and are concerned about me?

lost for words it seems. too much to say but no one to listen to. it is always the case, always.
my head is spinning and it is making me want to curl up like a foetus on my bed and cry.
who would understand?

would u?

for some strange reason, i am like jemima j. jane green's character in her novel. fearful of love, fearful of loving herself, fearful of commitment. i am still that fat ugly girl inside.
--take the sensation inside, bitter sweet migraine in my head.