they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

sometimes all i really want is for people to leave alone.let me be.make me happy.maybe sometimes i really am being too overdemanding. to anyone.to malcolm, to my parents, to my friends. because i am so emotionally unstable and a complete emotional screw up. whatever it is, i sometimes am at a loss as to what i feel. it isnt an unbearable pain, but more like a very dull ache that doesnt seem to want to fade away.
my pretentiousness can keep getting the better of me. and it's not like i dont care, or like i am just too selfish to not bother. it's precisely because i care too much, too much that it makes me sad. sad becos i dont really know if others would care for me like i do. or if i am caring too much, and driving each and everyone away. for that matter, i try to numb myself. but the more i numb, the harder it is for me to pretend like it doesnt matter.what a tragic irony i must say.
the way i see it, is that there may never be a resolution as to this struggle i face.
i dont want others to hurt me the way i hurt others, i dont want to be a burden to anyone. all i ever wanted was for things to be okay. i dont want to be continuouslly reminded of my incompetency, of my mediocrity, and the fact that i am never good enough for anyone. but when they start to tell me that they worry, that they care, i feel like i am being an ingrate for being upset. i cant help but to feel like others are brought down becos of me.
all of these are making my days very blue. and dry.

--tears dont even matter anymore. there isnt a loud screaming pain. jus a silent wave of pensiveness, that is keeping me from talking.from being happy.from you.you.andyou.