they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

i find it harder to stay alone these days. for the thoughts that i fear haunts me. lately, ive been playing iron and wine's "such great heights" obsessively. because it reminds me of love that is perfect, untainted and not so rudely intruded by people. it comforts me, because the love remains exclusive to the world. but i guess not everyone shares the same sentiments exactly. the truth of the matter is, being me, i dont mean harm. i just want for others to know that sometimes i over react, and i hate myself for it. i hate myself for being this insecure moron, i hate myself for being too fucking sensitive all the fucking time. and it really doesnt feel good to know that people have to constantly watch what they say around you in fear that they might cause unnecessary hurt. and i really dont know what to do with myself sometimes. for that, i apologise. for ive devoted too much into you, into us. should i stop now? i ask.

"love is a grave mental illness."--Plato
i couldnt agree more.

be brutally honest with me, and this is the me u'll see. are u scared now? are you tired? bear with me. be patient with me. cos' i am so sorry for having done all these to you. i'm just being me, the me you wanted me to be truthful too. it was easy in the past numbing all the pain. now, i find it harder and harder for me to push it all away like nothing mattered. in the past, i had nothing, no one to turn to. now that i do, i hope you dont see me as some obsessive fuck who needs to seek help. but just stay with me and tell me it'll all be okay.
and i know you do, that's why i love you so damn much, i fear the worse. i fear being left high and dry, with a wasted heart that has loved too much, with too many questions why.

lately, ive been piecing fragments of my past together, meeting people of my past and hoping to reconcile all of the memories back together. and it's been working i think. it brings me comfort knowing that the people in the past still remember the memories, still remember me. that i havent been just another passing face in their lives. that they constantly are reminded of my presence somehow. and i feel happy. been meeting up with nis and fadz for some time..and lynn, mel too. i thought things would be awkward, but it felt so comforting, so strangely familiar, i am happy.

i cant wait to start school. i guess like mary said, 'it's that spark of asian genius in us!' haha. in any case..i think all's going to be okay.

all will be okay now.