they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

many a times, i've asked myself. is there something really wrong with me? or is my mind playing the same old, same old, tricks on me again? perhaps, i guess, maybe. i always say i grow tired of the people that leave me. but now, i am beginning to question if it is me who has chosen to leave. i feel like i have so much to say, but none to listen to me. and the irony? it's all in the fact that when there is someone who is willing to listen, i then fear looking like a fool, so i tell myself to shut up. and it all comes back to the same again. funny thing is that when i do find someone whom i feel like i can trust, somehow, it scares me. it scares me- because all i can think about is 'so is he going to leave me now?'

i think i ought to have a little more faith in the people that love me. so it all comes back to the games that my mind plays with me, and how i should have known that people just don't go. it must be me then. time to time, i try to assure myself, everything's going to be okay. but i dont seem to be able to be fully convinced of it.because i constantly feel like i am being a burden to others. and i feel bad. my heart is being vacuumed and consumed by these feelings of inferiority that i leave, feeling down&out.

and these thoughts revisit my head every time i am alone, so maybe that's why nothing good ever comes from me. but you know, i am quite tired. in fact, very tired. because i don't constantly feel this way. i feel happy, contented, cos i found love, and i have friends who truly love me. so everytime these thoughts come back to haunt me, and it begins to eat into me, i feel like screaming, asking for it to leave. as for my parents, i just dont really know what to do anymore. i guess i'll leave it and hope for the best.

how would i ever know anymore, if things are going to be okay. when i try to open up, i dont want others to see me as this depressive fuck, who is too much of an attention seeker. i just others to know, i am not trying to make a point, i am just speaking my mind. but essentially, i am still quite the same person that they know me as. how come people have to keep judging me just because i feel certain ways sometimes. how come i cant be myself, and not be afraid that others will think of me as something i have so desperately tried to disassociate myself with. how come things just never work out alright for me anymore.

so this entry goes down again in my 'depressive' blog, and then i wonder what others will say this time. 'not again?'

wouldnt be surprised.

music: rooster- deep and meaningless