they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

i, for some strange reason, am hoping that you would turn up in front of me and tell me that all will be okay. but i guess it was wrong of me to demand that of you now aint it? you know, it's not like i meant to 'piss you off' like i did. as simple as it sounded, i just wanted time to be alone. for all it's worth, i didnt mean to cause you any hurt. and if i did, i am sorry. i cringe with the thought that you thought you werent exclusive in my life. cos' to tell you the truth, no one has ever meant that much to me than you already do.
--there was this episode in friends, the one with the list. ross was deciding whether he should choose rachel or julie. so joey and chandler suggested to ross to write a list that listed the pros and cons of rachel and julie. so he did. he said rachel was spoilt, a little ditzy, blah blah. cut the long story short, he picked rachel in the end. well for the very reason that he has been in love with her since forever. anyway, rachel saw the list and got pissed off at ross.
so ross tried to make it up by making a list that stated all of her good points. but rachel told him that 'that was it' and she went on to say'how would you feel if the things that you thought about yourself and hate yourself for, was thought of too by the one person you love'and ross said., 'come on rach, it's just a list'and rachel said' i guess that's the difference between you and i, cos i, i'd never have made a list'
my point being? my point being the fact that ross made rachel feel completely unworthy, he made her feel like she was not good enough to be his girlfriend just because she was 'just a waitress' and has 'chubby ankles'(joey cracks me up) even though we are all aware of how crazy he is about her. the fact that he can list all that qualities down, proves that he is judging her and is that what love is about? i thought love was supposed to be loving that person unconditionally accepting every flaw as a perfection in the making. no? maybe im too idealistic. but sod it, i was pissed off with ross too(how funny).
and in this situation, i would like to bring up the fact that i didnt call you to be lectured at, to be chided for wanting to be myself. because you know what? i know i am not perfect, and already i have had qualms about being "good enough" for you. listening you tell me all that again, after i told myself that i can let my heart rest easy on what happened in the morning with my parents, made me feel like utter shit. and all i could do was to tell myself, dont start to cry now.
i laid in my bed the whole night, fumbling about the sheets, buried myself and tried to stay strong. but i couldnt. because the one person i love, has made me feel completely less than nothing. and the breezy messages you sent(maybe i AM too sensitive) just didnt help at all.
i called you, in hope that i would hear appreciation, and make me feel like there is someone out there who truly, truly cares. i called you, hoping you would tell me that you're glad i called, that all will be okay, that you love me and that you'll always be there no matter what. not to put me on a guilt trip on how i have been able to screw things up again.because you know what? if it were you, i would do anything, anything to take all the damned pain away from you. just so you dont feel any worse than you already am feeling. but that's me right? this hopeless romantic, who never ever learns.
i wished you turned up at starbucks last night, by some miracle. but you didn't. and i walked the long way home, hanging my head low trying to hold those stupid tears back. i am too emo for my own good yah? that's what people will always see me as. so i go again, and make things miserable for myself and for you. maybe i really am not good enough for you or for anyone,for that matter.
it's our 3rd month anniversary today. you remember?
--i gotta go and let myself breathe easy, for im trembling all over again. in fear.

music: babyface- when can i see you again