they will see us waving from suchgreatheights
Saturday, July 16, 2005
as i look onto the future, it is filled with so much uncertainty and im not entirely sure if uncertainty is good. i guess in some ways, i am abit scared. scared of the 'moving on' part. everyone's going to camps and starting a new chapter of their lives. and well, so am i. just like everyone else, i don't want to go for camps, i don't want to meet new people. i just want life to stay the way it is, with the friendships forged before my time now to matter and stay mattered in my life and theirs. but everyone's gotta move on someday, that's what they always say.
everytime i revisit vj, i feel this sense of nostalgia. but this nostalgia isn't entirely good. i miss theatre, i miss my juniors and the teachers like lofty, mr harris, mr teo(both gp and lit)but nothing is the same anymore. i was never part of the 'victorian family'. instead, all the time, i felt like i was standing outside observing everyone cheering and going 'yo vjc!'i always made fun of the people who had such enthusiasm, and spirit. while i had..none. maybe a teensy part of me felt left out cos' not many came to vj from my alma mater, or maybe i constantly felt a need to beat the smarter people from rg,ri,vs,dhs..yadayada. but im so proud of tsd, im so proud that im part of it and during public p, i felt it. i felt proud of all my juniors.
i miss friends from the past that ive failed. failed to keep in touch and to stay a good friend. i wished there are things i could do and say to make up for the time we've lost, but there isn't any longer. we are all setting foot on new unfamiliar grounds. and what's going to happen these next 4 years? i haven't had the slightest clue. but ive got this mental picture in my head, that i'll go on the way i am,and they go their separate ways. each time their names are mentioned, ill go back to the memories and wish for what i wished now, that is, to have been more of a friend than i have for the 2 years of my life in vj.
i fear that i would be too comfortable in my time alone that i forget to forge new friendships in ntu even if they don't mean anything in the long run. the freedom i have alone is so addictive, i crave more and more of it. so is this why i don't look forward to camps and such? hall life, sounds exciting, but would i really really want to be part of it? i am compelling myself to step out of the mask i hide behind, forcing myself to really get active because i wasted 2 years in vj, being this unenthu, perpetually anti social bitch. but can i really meet the expectations ive set upon myself? i don't know. i really don't. i wished things were never this uncertain. for i find myself losing control, and one day, crash and burn into pieces.
everytime i revisit vj, i feel this sense of nostalgia. but this nostalgia isn't entirely good. i miss theatre, i miss my juniors and the teachers like lofty, mr harris, mr teo(both gp and lit)but nothing is the same anymore. i was never part of the 'victorian family'. instead, all the time, i felt like i was standing outside observing everyone cheering and going 'yo vjc!'i always made fun of the people who had such enthusiasm, and spirit. while i had..none. maybe a teensy part of me felt left out cos' not many came to vj from my alma mater, or maybe i constantly felt a need to beat the smarter people from rg,ri,vs,dhs..yadayada. but im so proud of tsd, im so proud that im part of it and during public p, i felt it. i felt proud of all my juniors.
i miss friends from the past that ive failed. failed to keep in touch and to stay a good friend. i wished there are things i could do and say to make up for the time we've lost, but there isn't any longer. we are all setting foot on new unfamiliar grounds. and what's going to happen these next 4 years? i haven't had the slightest clue. but ive got this mental picture in my head, that i'll go on the way i am,and they go their separate ways. each time their names are mentioned, ill go back to the memories and wish for what i wished now, that is, to have been more of a friend than i have for the 2 years of my life in vj.
i fear that i would be too comfortable in my time alone that i forget to forge new friendships in ntu even if they don't mean anything in the long run. the freedom i have alone is so addictive, i crave more and more of it. so is this why i don't look forward to camps and such? hall life, sounds exciting, but would i really really want to be part of it? i am compelling myself to step out of the mask i hide behind, forcing myself to really get active because i wasted 2 years in vj, being this unenthu, perpetually anti social bitch. but can i really meet the expectations ive set upon myself? i don't know. i really don't. i wished things were never this uncertain. for i find myself losing control, and one day, crash and burn into pieces.
posted by jo # 7:54 AM 
