they will see us waving from suchgreatheights
Friday, September 02, 2005
do you still believe in god? i stand between the 'yes' and the 'no' part. this confusion is too much to take, and i am not entirely sure i wanna start on another debate that i know i'll inevitably lose. is it so wrong to stay stagnant, to stay stationary as i am? is it so wrong to not want to know more, and be contented with the knowledge that i own now, despite the barren nature of it all? sitting in a chapel every sunday, is something i do. i haul my ass outta bed, with a thought, should i? should i not? and in the end i find myself sitting amongst the many other believers, fearing they might ask me questions about my spiritual walk. what am i to say? it's fine? but i dont entirely sure what encompasses a 'true' walk with god. so i just smile and nod my head, and the words i blurt out--'it's okay.' what a complete imbecile. how do i go on like this? where should i take it from? because i want to rely on god, a god i believe in. for i am so tired of relying on my two feet, collapsing even as i say these words. my soul needs rest.
had a presentation this morning. was good, kk chang was totally impressed. but i didnt get to answer any questions. because i dont know, everything seemed to said by them both, so what the hell right, what's the point of repeating and looking like a complete fool? so i just shut up. nonetheless, i am glad it's over. just have to prepare my term paper. oh god. work again.
ended at 11am, came back and tried to sleep. but ended up rolling in bed for 2 hours. so i got out of bed, and painted my nails black. significant? perhaps. genius i am. but all the nail polish is going to fall out after rowing.
i wanna take the backseat in life, lose control and feel completely okay about it. but the emotional upheaval of all things going wrong is not something i would like to be familiar with. i am so tired, just so tired. i keep saying that but how do i keep going on? my thoughts are in a complete state of mess, yet i don't feel compelled to clean up my shit. cause i just got too much baggage i feel like not caring a little bit.
u noe what, i am going to take a shower now. clean up my head. and get coffee. and study french.
u will always be my everything. i love, love you.
--on every other note, mary i miss u like fish&chips. SCHIZZER!!!!
and my black nails make everything in my life fall into perfect placing.
music:corrine may- save me
had a presentation this morning. was good, kk chang was totally impressed. but i didnt get to answer any questions. because i dont know, everything seemed to said by them both, so what the hell right, what's the point of repeating and looking like a complete fool? so i just shut up. nonetheless, i am glad it's over. just have to prepare my term paper. oh god. work again.
ended at 11am, came back and tried to sleep. but ended up rolling in bed for 2 hours. so i got out of bed, and painted my nails black. significant? perhaps. genius i am. but all the nail polish is going to fall out after rowing.
i wanna take the backseat in life, lose control and feel completely okay about it. but the emotional upheaval of all things going wrong is not something i would like to be familiar with. i am so tired, just so tired. i keep saying that but how do i keep going on? my thoughts are in a complete state of mess, yet i don't feel compelled to clean up my shit. cause i just got too much baggage i feel like not caring a little bit.
u noe what, i am going to take a shower now. clean up my head. and get coffee. and study french.
u will always be my everything. i love, love you.
--on every other note, mary i miss u like fish&chips. SCHIZZER!!!!
and my black nails make everything in my life fall into perfect placing.
music:corrine may- save me
posted by jo # 5:43 AM 