they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

since i have some time on my hands, i thought i might say a word or two.

days haven't been easy, with the fear of him leaving, and my parents giving me hell, i feel like i am about to break and fall apart. the first time i heard my dad cry for me, i felt guilty. for i didnt know how to comfort him, neither did i knew the right words to say. it hurt, dad, it hurt so much. i can only say sorry for not having been the daughter that you wanted me to be. how did we all come to this? i really don't know anymore. i just want it all to end, so badly, so desperately. i thought i made you happy, i tried to talk to you as much as i could, but guess that was never enough. my heart is heavy now, it weighs a ton. and i carry it around me like a baggage that ought to be thrown out. sometimes, i wish that there was truly an answer, but things now seem so vague and so blur, i cant help but to feel a little pessimistic about our situation. how do i help you? i can't even help myself. i can't even help myself to feel sorry about it all. isn't that sad. blood is thicker than water, or so they say. but family to me now seems to remain secondary. i am sad, for this guilt trip i'm on is taking much too deep a toll on me. i really don't know what to do anymore. i really don't. i really, really..don't.

and then there's him. lately, i watch his vacant eyes look at me. and i try to ignore his insignificant stares, clawing onto the hope that maybe somewhere inside him, he still remembers why we loved, and how we had amazed one another. but is that enough? to be trying so hard on my own, but as for him..it seems like a drag. an utter mistake. i don't want to be dependent on him anymore, so what will that mean for me? right now, i feel numb, empty and pathetic. i think about my parents, and how my home is no longer a home, i feel depressed and guilty. i think about how him and i nearly ended things, and how he suddenly took off, became a totally different person from the boy who loved me to a complete stranger, i feel depressed and guilty too. must this 2 emotions haunt me, and take all life out of me?
ill try to be as understanding as i can be, for i am so sorry baby. for giving you shit, for being so senstive all the time, i am so sorry. i am so sorry.
all i want to know is that you love me too.

i am so tired of thinking these thoughts. i am just so tired.

you have big dreams, and so have i.

-did you know i missed you? i miss you.

i hope this new year doesnt suck. what a way to take off though.

music: something corporate- konstantin