they will see us waving from suchgreatheights
Sunday, March 11, 2007
danceworks'07 came and went. we didn't make it to the final 4, but we won high energy and best costume. can i say im disappointed? yeah, i am. like fuckloads. cos i wanted to get in so badly. i think the judging system this year is way unfair. but hey, i'm only one person. i have realised that these things happen.
things like having messaged alot of your friends asking for support but only a few came down, some said they would but were nowhere to be seen, some came but didn't even see anything. i can't complain, now can i? it's just jo, it's no big deal.
dance has its ups and downs. ups when you feel like you are on cloud 9, having the time of your life. u smile, u laugh and u feel wonderful. downs are when u feel like ure just another invisible soul on stage, u dance well but with no validation, u want others to come and see u, to share your joy but no one will/can/whatever, u want to win so much, so badly cos all of your heart was invested in it, but only to be mediocrely rewarded. u spent all your time and energy on it, but u get nowhere. u try your best to make others feel okay, but they only bring u down. these things, these things, they kill. u try your best to push all the negativity away, when others drill u, but u only feel more and more inadequate, so much so that u can cry without even realising that those were tears. it's so much to take. it's so much, and i'm only one person.
i am tired of these disappointments. friends, studies and now the one thing i love, dance. i have given up on certain things. things like love, like some of my friends, resigned to the fact that things like my studies are never going to get any better, but am i willing to give up on dance? i dare say not, the happiest times i have had sans love and bf and friends, is when i am in the studio dancing to the beat that never stops. but all of that comes with another set of failures i cant handle on top of all that other emotions. how come, how come, when, when, did things get so complicated.
it's all in a mess. i'm in a mess.
i had tried to lose myself in the throngs of people as i walked. upon hearing the fact that we didnt get in, i had tried my best to snap out of it, tell myself it's okay, at least we won something, that we were great out there. but where is all that validation i had so badly wanted? only in the mind. my mind. not anybody else's mind. i walked, but i felt lost. all i wanted to do was to come home and sleep.
it's worse when u haven't got anyone to talk to, to share all these ups and downs with. the ups are not complete without having ur other friends tell u that u were awesome out there, cos some werent even there, who would know? who would. no one. so there it goes, another empty validation in the air.
i spent my post-competition hours with nisa and fadzlin. we ate and caught up, laughed and smoked, had dead hamsters for dinner and i daresay, i missed those days. the days when all was simple, i was just me, good studies, leader, dancer and all.
it seemed like all it went from then on, was downhill.
but i aint ready to give up on dance. even though it might have given up on me already.
things like having messaged alot of your friends asking for support but only a few came down, some said they would but were nowhere to be seen, some came but didn't even see anything. i can't complain, now can i? it's just jo, it's no big deal.
dance has its ups and downs. ups when you feel like you are on cloud 9, having the time of your life. u smile, u laugh and u feel wonderful. downs are when u feel like ure just another invisible soul on stage, u dance well but with no validation, u want others to come and see u, to share your joy but no one will/can/whatever, u want to win so much, so badly cos all of your heart was invested in it, but only to be mediocrely rewarded. u spent all your time and energy on it, but u get nowhere. u try your best to make others feel okay, but they only bring u down. these things, these things, they kill. u try your best to push all the negativity away, when others drill u, but u only feel more and more inadequate, so much so that u can cry without even realising that those were tears. it's so much to take. it's so much, and i'm only one person.
i am tired of these disappointments. friends, studies and now the one thing i love, dance. i have given up on certain things. things like love, like some of my friends, resigned to the fact that things like my studies are never going to get any better, but am i willing to give up on dance? i dare say not, the happiest times i have had sans love and bf and friends, is when i am in the studio dancing to the beat that never stops. but all of that comes with another set of failures i cant handle on top of all that other emotions. how come, how come, when, when, did things get so complicated.
it's all in a mess. i'm in a mess.
i had tried to lose myself in the throngs of people as i walked. upon hearing the fact that we didnt get in, i had tried my best to snap out of it, tell myself it's okay, at least we won something, that we were great out there. but where is all that validation i had so badly wanted? only in the mind. my mind. not anybody else's mind. i walked, but i felt lost. all i wanted to do was to come home and sleep.
it's worse when u haven't got anyone to talk to, to share all these ups and downs with. the ups are not complete without having ur other friends tell u that u were awesome out there, cos some werent even there, who would know? who would. no one. so there it goes, another empty validation in the air.
i spent my post-competition hours with nisa and fadzlin. we ate and caught up, laughed and smoked, had dead hamsters for dinner and i daresay, i missed those days. the days when all was simple, i was just me, good studies, leader, dancer and all.
it seemed like all it went from then on, was downhill.
but i aint ready to give up on dance. even though it might have given up on me already.
posted by jo # 9:36 PM 