they will see us waving from suchgreatheights

everything's in one big mess and i'm just too damn tired to sort it all out. in just one week i have broken down twice, cried and i dont cry much. i wished i could one day open up my eyes and everything will disappear, all the pain, the dull ache, the complications of every single relationship in my life. i just got another yelling from the father, because he said i didn't reply his messages. well, I DID. i just did it late. because i had dance. he said i dont care much about the family, about them, about how they feel. how can i care when no matter what ive done, it always is a mistake, there is always something wrong with whatever i am doing. and everytime they claim that they are concern, all i want to do is to scream at something, someone.because i have had enough of it. i am just so fucking sick and tired of this life that i lead. yet, it seems so self-indulgent of me to want to stop it all. i am just so tired from everything. so tired. why cant we just be one happy family. why is it that, in all of my efforts to make it better, it never seems to become better. but only seems like a failure. why, why, why. these tears they cant even begin to describe all the pain, anger i'm feeling inside. my heart is tried. and it is so tired. i really wished i could just do something, anything. but no one hears my screams. because it is silent on the outside, but deafening on my insides. everything is just one big fat fucking mess and i cant pick up the pieces any more. i tried too hard, too long and too much. i don't know what am i doing with you. with whatever i am hoping all these games would lead to.but i chose it this way didnt i? you played it well. i didnt. and once again, i fail to trump your workings with me. then there's dance,which is my love and my hate. dancetitude is taking the life out of me, and it makes me so unhappy. why try so hard when no one will see that u have put in effort. why, what's the point. all those hours in the studios, outside rehearsal times, my injured knees, shin and ankle pain, all those injuries i nursed, all down to nothing. because i am just another commodity that can be kicked aside, pushed around. EVERYTHING IS JUST A FUCKING MESS. EVERYTHING.

finally. it's spoken.